I killed my church with a rock. A tiny little rock with a lot of power. Like David standing before Goliath, I threw it as hard as I could against the church building.
It all began with discouragement.
We have a church that sits 300 people, but our services average about thirty. There is, of course, a history to how the church got here, but that is a different story. Often times, the smaller the church the harder ministry gets. Even in small churches there is gossip, manipulation, and broken relationships. In small churches, you get right in the middle of it all whether you want to or not.
So it’s hard when you have to confront people, or when you have to say no, or when you feel like you are doing it all alone.
This last summer – for the second time in two years – I was ready to walk away.
“There is a reason the last two pastors have not lasted longer than eighteen months,” I said. “Let’s go to a church where people appreciate our gifts and talents and where we actually get to work with a team.”
“God called me here, and I’ll be faithful, even if it’s hard.” My husband said.
“This church is dead.” I said.
“God can bring life back.” He said.
My husband was – in his own words -waiting on God. I was done waiting.
Then I won a scholarship for a writer’s mentoring retreat thanks to Shelly Beach. I drove for eight hours all the way to Michigan so I could sit and learn under great and recognized writers. My husband supported me. He is my biggest writing fan, he believes in me 100% He keeps his end of the bargain, always.
On the second and last day of the retreat, Dawn Scott Jones was asked to give a devotional. Funny how pastors always get asked to pray or lead devotions. Her devotional was very un-writerly. She referenced this passage:
God grabbed me. God’s Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. He led me around and among them—a lot of bones! There were bones all over the plain—dry bones, bleached by the sun.
He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Master God, only you know that.”
He said to me, “Prophesy over these bones: ‘Dry bones, listen to the Message of God!’”
God, the Master, told the dry bones, “Watch this: I’m bringing the breath of life to you and you’ll come to life. I’ll attach sinews to you, put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You’ll come alive and you’ll realize that I am God!”
I prophesied just as I’d been commanded. As I prophesied, there was a sound and, oh, rustling! The bones moved and came together, bone to bone. I kept watching. Sinews formed, then muscles on the bones, then skin stretched over them. But they had no breath in them.
He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath. Prophesy, son of man. Tell the breath, ‘God, the Master, says, Come from the four winds. Come, breath. Breathe on these slain bodies. Breathe life!’”
So I prophesied, just as he commanded me. The breath entered them and they came alive! They stood up on their feet, a huge army.
Ezekiel 37:1-10 The Message
And sometimes you hear from God in the most unexpected of places.
Why do you keep speaking death unto my church? Declare life! For I can breathe life back!
I swallowed hard, tears brimming in my eyes. Okay Lord, I will speak life.
That night, we finished our writer’s retreat listening to James Watkins. If someone knows how to use humor, it is him! He wanted to send us writers back home with dreams to keep at it, to keep writing. He talked about David and Goliath. Goliath was too big to miss. Then he gave us all a little rock, he said, “Carry it in your pocket, as a reminder, and maybe this has nothing to do with writing for you”
And through laughs and a great speech for writers, God impressed a great truth in my heart right then.
Whatever hurts, bitterness, discord, or broken relationships have been present at church, I can take care of it. I’m too big, I don’t miss. I heal.
So I got into my car at the end of the conference, and before coming home I bawled and asked God to forgive me for my unbelief. He took me all the way to Michigan so he could speak to me. If ever I doubted that God meant for us to be in this little church, the doubt was gone.
Sunday morning after church I stood outside facing the building. I told my husband I had one thing I needed to do.
I reached into my pocket to grab the rock and held it in my hand real tight.
I thought about the bitterness, the broken relationships, the hurt, the manipulation, the loneliness of the church, my own doubt, my unbelief, my sin; the dead bones.
And I threw that rock as hard as I could, a symbol of killing the giant that has been keeping God from breathing life into this place.
And I prayed, “Come from the four winds. Come, breath. Breathe on us. Breathe life!”
And I believe He is.
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It is so easy when we are discouraged to lose sight of what we were called to. I am glad to hear of the perspective change. Doesn’t take the challenges away. Just reminds us what our work is in the kingdom. Keep hanging in there and God will lead what His plan is as long as you keep seeking Him.
You know Lee, if you had asked me before this experience if God had called us here I would not have given you a good answer. But now I know, and it makes all the difference in my heart!
Wow, powerful story. Glad to hear what God did in Michigan!
Steve, you were there! And also, I wanted to say I found your devotional quite meaningful, so God used you to begin working in my heart that day.
Thank you for being open, your true feelings, which are shared by many, are what will bring hope and encouragement to others.
Thanks Esther, it’s real, and I know you identify with real by looking at your blog tagline 🙂
I think the hardest job in the world is being a pastor’s wife. Seriously. And from what I see, you do it quite well! Again, seriously.
I don’t know if I am doing it well, but I am sure trying to let the Lord guide me!
Hi Ellen,
I stumbled across your article and want to say thanks. I’m a pastors wife who is struggling right now with many things. Thank you for sharing this passage…I will claim, “God, the Master, told the dry bones, “Watch this: I’m bringing the breath of life to you and you’ll come to life.” Trusting in him and with much thanks,
K
And Kerri, I will pray with you too!
Ellen,
You may be my new best friend! I have searched for months for some glimmer of encouragement as a pastor’s wife. Most of the bloggers just aren’t at the same place I am. (I am very glad for them!)
I would love for my pastor husband to decide to move on from our present situation. We will be fortunate to have twenty in the congregation tomorrow. And yet, God has not given us permission to move on and so we must stay.
Keep being real! You’re helping me along!
Blessings,
Kathy
We need to connect! I’m sending you an email 🙂
Kathy, I know it was several months ago that you left your comment but I had the exact same feelings when I read this article. I have been searching for someone in the same shoes as me as well! I’d love to connect with you and Ellen both if you see this
This is odd….because I just finished reading Thom Ranier’s book, “Autopsy of a Deceased Church.” I believe our church to be very, very sick. In his stats, he claims that 40% of churches show symptoms of sickness, and 40% are very sick while only 10% are heathy and the other 10% are dying.
While he doesn’t give false hope, he says there is hope for the very sick church, but it isn’t without hard work….meaning the church members themselves have to wake up to the fact that there is sickness and have to take drastic measures to work for a cure.
We have been at our church for 2 years. I knew just 3 months in to our ministry that this church was sick. it is painful for a church to admit that they are sick, but admittance is the first step. Nothing can happen unless that happens. Our church, for the most part is in denial. they just don’t see it. I, a stranger in their midst, had no problem seeing it. Our church shows all the signs: Inward thinking. Reluctance to change. Honoring a building and keeping it sacred instead of honoring the Lord and using the building for His purpose, having the motto: “We’ve always done it that way”; forgetting the great commission and the great commandment, forgetting its purpose, etc.
Most churches die long before they close their doors. I appreciate your article and I understand that attitude makes a world of difference….and for me…I will certainly do what the Lord says to do, whether that be to stay or go, but I have no desire to be part of a dead church. I long to be part of a church that is alive and following the purpose of God as laid out for us in scripture.
I don’t know your church. I don’t know your situation. If I understood your article correctly, for you, your attitude toward your church was your giant? When you say you “killed your church” I took it that you killed your attitude toward your church?
That’s fine….that’s good….but what if the attitude of the church doesn’t change?
“The needs of the lost are more important than the comforts of the found” Cannot remember who said this, but I love that quote. This is what I wish all churches kept in mind.
Tammie, this entry was more about being a pastor’s wife, and believing that God could breathe life. He did 🙂