If you’re a special needs parent, you’re familiar with the term inclusion. In it’s basic educational form, inclusion means that students with disabilities go to school along with their peers and neighbors while receiving any special instruction and support within the same school setting. It means that kids with disabilities and neurotypical children all learn together, play together, go to music class together, and the opportunity of genuine friendship is available.

It’s a great feeling when you open your child’s backpack and find a note scribbled with little hands learning to write declaring, “You are my friend,” and you smile because you dreamed of your child having friends. Or the hugs at the end of the day that remind you there was nothing to worry about. But perhaps your kid struggles with friendships, and you know how it hurts to watch your child not be included. You know what it is like to wish someone would call and invite your child for a play-date. If you’re a special needs parent, you know that even within inclusive settings, friendships for some of our children who have disabilities can be a challenge.

Yet even when friendships are a struggle, I think most of us, special needs parents, are big proponents of inclusion.

But the question we should perhaps be asking is, how inclusive are we?

Look at who your friends are. How many of your friends, close friends, good friends, have a disability?

Are we modeling to our kids, to the world out there, what inclusion looks like?

I’ve been taking the course, “Beyond Suffering” from The Christian Institute on Disability. On the first class, Dr. Jeff McNair shared about being at a conference where one of the speakers was there to talk about inclusion. His audience was receptive and fully supported the idea of inclusion, agreeing to the message with claps of approval. When Dr. McNair took the stage following the inclusion talk, he asked his audience, “How many of you interact socially, with peers your age, that have a disability as your children.” He said only about 15 people raised their hand, “Don’t talk to me about getting children to do something you are not willing to do. If you are unwilling to chose people with disabilities to be your friends, then how can you expect children to do so?”

I had to let that sink in.

Do we have friends who have disabilities? Could the people from the outside looking in see we actually do mean it when we say disability should not be a roadblock to friendship?

We want our kids who have disabilities to be invited for play-dates, but how often do we call up a friend who has a disability and ask them if they want to go out for coffee?

Maybe it’s time we start modeling inclusion. I know I can do a much better job at being a friend.

And how beautiful for my kids who have disabilities to know adults who are disabled too. To look at mom and dad’s friends and say, “Hey, they are like me, they get it, I can ask them questions.”

And ultimately it’s not really about inclusion, it’s about genuine friendship.

In this journey of parenting kids with disabilities, we are all learning. I think there are plenty of opportunities I have missed, and plenty of times when I have made mistakes. I am thankful for the moments where I continue to learn and grow. The moments that challenge me and help me to see my flaws and blind spots. They remind me that I need to be gracious when I interact with people who don’t get it, because I don’t always get it either. It reminds me that our attitudes are what change hearts. The way we live is what impacts people.

Today I am challenged to model inclusion, challenged to be a friend. Are you?