My middle daughter, Nina, asked why we didn’t have any of her baby pictures. We adopted Nina shortly before her 4th birthday from Ukraine. When we met with the adoption officials (the SDA) there was a baby picture in her files and they gave us the only baby picture of her there was. But this is not the type of baby picture you display on a baby book, or enlarge in a photo frame.
That picture was the opposite of this:
A few days ago, I took out the picture and showed it to her. She starred at it, swallowed hard, “I don’t like it.” She said.
I don’t like it either.
“She looks so…miserable!” My oldest daughter said.
She does. A fragile baby in a sterile environment. No fussy cute blankets to lay on. No soft bed. No loving arms holding her and smiling, savoring the fact that she was only 27 weeks old when she was born, but she had made it through, she survived!
I want to pick that baby up and hold her close, tell her that she is loved, that she has a family that will love her unconditionally. I want her to know the feel of a mother rocking her to sleep, the coos from an adoring older sister, or the gentle touch of a strong daddy that will protect her always.
I missed so much of her life, and she missed so much by not having a family for almost four years of her life. But I cannot undo the tragedy of adoption, the fact that she was an orphan, and the reality that I wasn’t there from the beginning of her life!
I missed the days in the hospital when she was a preemie baby fighting for her life. I wish I could have been there, sitting by her side, talking to her, a steady presence of love. Praying for her body, praying for her health.
I missed the celebration of taking her home, of parties and “welcome home” cards with messages that will someday bring a smile on her face, knowing that so many people had been praying for her all those early months of her life.
I missed the love that as mothers we give when our little ones feel pain or feel sick.
I missed the early development, and watching her discover a beautiful world. Instead her world consisted of an orphanage, with little stimulation, little interactions.
I missed teaching her that there are people you can trust, that being naughty does not mean you will be tied down to a crib.
I missed being there for her diagnosis of cerebral palsy, making sure she received adequate medical intervention and therapy.
but more than anything, I wish she had always had a family, that she had always known the safety of a home, the love of a mother, a father, siblings. I wish she had known that moms kiss owies, and that fathers are strong and they can throw you up high in the air and catch you while you feel the wind on your face and you laugh so hard. I wish she’d known that siblings can be your best friends, and that by playing, you discover adventures and so much about how to interact with people.
So much loss. The tragedy.
And so many years, so much life away from each other. I missed so much. But I won’t miss anything else.
I will cuddle her now and kiss her owies now. I will tell her that she is brave and loved. I will be there as she fights the emotional trauma from her life in the orphanage. I will stand with her and be a steady presence as we tackle PTSD (post-traumatic-stress), anxiety, depression, RAD (reactive-attachment-disorder). I will be there when she doubts herself, reminding her that she can do it.
I will be there, for always! I cannot undo the last four years of her life, but I can be here and now, cheering her on, reminding her of the truth: she is wanted, she is precious, she is loved. Always.
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This makes me want to weep – for sadness and for joy that she has come home. I have a special heart for adoption, though we are not adoptive parents. My brother and sister were adopted (my brother from a nearby city at age 4 and my sister from Korea as a baby). And my husband and I also worked with orphans when we lived in Africa.
Jennie, adoption is not the only way to care for orphans, thank you for your heart and for the work you have done to love the kids that needed it!
What a wonderful difference!! She’s beautiful!
Ellen, we have yet another thing in common! Oh, how often I grieve (and our girls do, too) that there is a black hole that swallowed their first years of memories and keepsakes. That still claws for pieces of their hearts and confidence. Lord, please restore the years the locusts have eaten. In Ellen’s family and ours!
Yes Laurie! I had a friend reach out to me after reading this post, because she knows of an artist that paints baby pictures for adopted kids that do not have one. He takes their pictures, and creates a baby image that resembles them very much so. I saw one of the pictures with a 13 year old girl. It was absolutely beautiful! We are going to try to get in contact with this artist. it will not replace the void, but I know it will help, in some way.
I relate so much to what you write. I am a mother of two girls adopted from Romania . the eldest was almost 4 and the younger 12 months. they are now 21 and 18. It has been an quite a journey. Both girls are in the autism spectrum, bipolar, ADHD, MR , PTSD . the older has attachment issues and the younger has CP. If I hadn’t adopted them , I wouldn’t have met the people I have or become the person I am today. My focus/purpose is for the disabled, especially supporting other mothers. Yes being placed in an orphanage or foster care is a tragedy but I would like to say the JOY of adoption. Our kids are products of their gene pool, their early environment and the love and advocacy we give them . they are good kids with some bag
baggage. You are a great mom .
Thanks Michelle, yes, there is incredible joy in adoption too!
This post makes my heart ache. But it also makes my heart sing to think that your family rescued Nina from more years of privation, from a lifetime of indifference. Thanks for bringing her into your family.
This is so beautiful and I love her courage in wanting us to see the difference.
Thanks for sharing Ellen and Nina!
Heather
I am so sorry. I know the NICU world well, and I know even in the States babies are put up for adoption or abandoned in those early fragile days. It breaks my heart. It is so hard. Thank you for loving your daughter so much. Thank you for raising awareness of this need.