Today, my son still has autism. Every day for the rest of his life, he will have autism. But today, or rather right now, I don’t want to dwell on the difficulties autism brings and will bring when he comes home from school at the end of the day.

I don’t want to wish autism away, or long for “normal”, or play hide and seek with glimpses of the real Samuel peeking out during moments of great progress. I don’t want to wait in angst for my hope in “all things new” to be realized. I don’t want to advocate and grieve over the blindness of so many who hate who my son is and what he might do for harm instead of good. I don’t want to grieve over the lost dreams of what I thought our life was going to look like, or the perfect pictures of my son laughing happily and eating more than 4 different foods. No, not today. At least not right now.

There are times for each of those things, and one or more of them may present themselves and demand my attention today. But at least for now, at 9am in the morning, all I want is joy in the satisfaction of my God whose loving-kindness has been poured upon my head in His lavished grace.

Satisfy me, o God, that I may sing for joy and be glad – just for today.

Maybe, just maybe, if I stop waiting for autism therapies to come through, if I stop thinking Sam is going to change how he reacts and behaves because  autism affects every aspect of his life, and if I stop waiting for my husband and my children to give me what they will never be able to give me, and if I stop daydreaming about a bigger and better house because then I will actually want to keep it looking wonderful all the time… if I stop putting my hopes and dreams in jars of earthen clay, I will discover what has been waiting and hoping and longing for and pursuing me all along.

God.

Loving-kindness.

Salvation.

Have you ever found it difficult to be satisfied with God, and only God? I do. I look to God to provide our needs, to protect us from harm, to grant joy in suffering and peace in the midst of the storm… but I am rarely satisfied just by His presence as I pour over His words to me, and by His Spirit He has put within me that works in me to will and to work for my good and His pleasure.

Friends, I’m tired.

I’m tired of waiting and hoping and longing for something better when satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy is… NOW.

I will still wait for autism therapies to come through. But I will still hope for the best and take joy in the son I have, even as autism affects him for better or for worse. I will still long for the day when Jesus reconciles all things to Himself and makes all things new. When tears no longer stain my pillow (or my husband’s shirts) from grieving over what I don’t like about my life, and at times even hate. When heaven is fully realized on earth.

But, as I do all those things, I can still be satisfied now. I can be filled with joy – and sing because of it – now. I can be glad. What satisfies me? Maybe the question should be, “what should satisfy me?” The loving-kindness of God. His grace – undeserved merit. His mercy. His faithfulness. His LOVE. His unfailing love. His salvation!

Knowing God is faithful, I am trusting Him to satisfy my heart today and give me great cause to sing for joy and make me glad for all of today.  I’m going to take it one day at a time. Let me sing for joy and be glad today.

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Sarah Broady is a mother passionate about encouraging parents of special needs children. She is married to her college sweetheart who is in ministry at their church in southern Maryland as the associate pastor of worship and family ministries. They have three boys. Their second son was diagnosed with autism at the age of 2. It turned their world upside down, but God is using it for His glory in more ways they could have ever imagined.

Sarah blogs about her life raising a son with autism at Hope in Autism. She writes about every day happenings, grief and other emotions that come with the life of a special needs parent, while seeking to show the hope they find through Jesus in any circumstance. Read more about Sarah’s writing here. Sarah can be contacted through her blog, on Facebook or on Twitter.