My daughter is only eight years old and she has clinical depression. It was not shocking to hear the therapist say it after a long process of evaluations, but it was still hard to hear. She’s so young.
What did I do wrong?
Is it my fault?
Is she not happy with our family?
Did her first four years living in an orphanage before we adopted her cause it?
Is this a result of her having cerebral palsy?
Did her biological mother struggle with depression too?
Why her?
These thoughts, these questions, don’t ever seem to have an answer. I don’t know why she struggles with depression, and I will never know what caused it. All I know is that depression is as real in children as it is in adults. And not many people are talking about it.
With the recent death of Robin Williams, I have seen many great posts about depression. Like my friend Gillian Marchenko’s post, where she calls depression the elephant in the room, and how we need to talk about it, it is a great post. But who is talking about the children? What about children that struggle with depression?
We adopted our daughter right before her fourth birthday, we noticed her anxiety and her post-traumatic-stress right away. It took a few years for us to accept the reactive attachments disorder, and even longer to notice the depression.
A few months ago, we began to notice increased negative self talk as a result of minor things. She tripped, “I’m a dummy, I’m such a dummy!” She would accidentally break something, “It’s all my fault, all my fault!” If she was disobedient, “Well I ruined everyone’s day!” We tried to put a stop to that, reminding her that she was talking about our daughter and we did not want to hear that type of talk, nobody is a dummy, accidents happen, and we all have bad days. Then it escalated and as she screamed and kicked in her room we heard her say, “I should die! Someone should kill me now!”
How did she even know to say that?
How did she think of such dark thoughts? She was only seven years old.
“Why did you say that? Where did you hear someone say that?” I tried to ask.
“Nobody said it, I feel it!” She said.
My husband tried to comfort her, and I could hear her cry, “Just let me be dad, just let me be!” And she would not allow us to comfort her, to hug her, to hold her.
Later that night, my husband looked straight at me, “We need to do something. If we don’t get her help now, we will have a child that one day commits suicide.”
His words chilled my bones, Oh God not my child!
The next morning at school, I came to the office to let them know it had been a long night. The secretary asked, “Is everything okay?”
And I started crying, right there in the school office, telling them I was terrified for my child. The secretary came around her desk and gave me a hug, she then sent me to the school psychologist, so she could help me find someone to help my daughter.
“There is a place,” the psychologist said, “that works with kids that are in the foster care system or have been adopted. It is their specialty and these are the only kids they see. They specialize in mental health issues and trauma.”
I left with the information and called right away.
My daughter’s life is complex. She has a background of abandonment, a life lived in an institution, a disability. What specifically has caused her depression? We don’t know, it could be all of it, it could simply be her genetic disposition, we just don’t know. But we do know that it is real and it affects her life.
So every Thursday we make the drive to see her therapist, we have started neurofeedback, we are using essential oils, supplements, and looking at food sensitivities. Yes, she has more than depression going on. Some people looking at her from the outside may think that cerebral palsy affects her life the most, and while it does affect her, it is her mental health that she struggles with every day, it is the big challenge we face with her every single day. Some days are good, some days are hard, some days are brutal. Some weeks are bad.
But we are making progress. We hear less negative self-talk now and her demeanor doesn’t normally convey depression. If you asked her, she does not feel sad most of the time.
Children struggle with depression too, it is an elephant in the room, and we need to start talking about it to break the stigma, the shame, the isolation.
My child has clinical depression – a mental health issue – and there is no shame in that.
Don’t miss the post, When Children Have Mental Health Issues for more on this topic, statistics, and research.
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Ellen – thank you SO much for this post. Our oldest will be 15 in October and the past few years have been HELL – cutting, purging, one visit to the ER for suicidal ideation, calls from the guidance counselor to pick her up because she was talking about suicide at school – we even had to have a “school approved” psychiatric evaluation done once before they allowed her back. She was SO resistant to therapy we lied and told her she HAD to go or wouldn’t be allowed back to school (she only needed the eval).
She’s been in therapy for the past two years, and after some real debates and soul searching between my husband and I, is on medication. We weren’t thrilled about putting our child on anti-depressants, but it has helped and she is SO much better.
I wish I could blog about it, just so other parents like us know we’re not alone, but since she’s a teenager I let her have editorial rights over posts that are ABOUT her – and she doesn’t want to share it with the world so I have respect that. (Even though my blog is somewhat anonymous – no last names, only first initials… she’s still concerned the kids at school will see…)
I’m SO glad you’re getting treatment for your daughter. Being proactive will save you and her a lot of heartache and suffering.
Prayers for all of you!
Thank you Lisa! What I hear from so many parents is, “It is good you are getting help now, it only gets worse once hormones and adolescence start kicking in!”
I have an 8yo with depression (and anxiety too) – he is typical in every other way, but has a father with severe depression and a whole background of it. I started noticing these same things around 6yo. So, yes, we are working on it, and it’s hard to express, but depression and anxiety look different in kids than adults.
Yes, it does look different, and kids don’t always understand their big feelings as well. This might be perhaps why, as adults realize it is an issue, it is then they look back and see it has been an issue since their childhood.
Thank you. In the last few months, we have noticed things about our son, age 11, who also has bilateral sensoral neural hearing loss. I don’t want to get into it….but I am pretty sure it is depression. We have adults in our family with depression. So, yes…passed down to the kids. 🙁
But honestly, I was feeling like I was the only one this could be happening to…surely, no other child has this. I have never heard of any other mom say that their child is depressed.
You were an answer to a prayer I hadn’t prayed yet with this post. I certainly would never wish or pray depression on anyone’s child, but my Momma heart was sure wondering.
I will be praying for you in your situation. Again, thank you! If you have any resources online, that would be helpful. We live near Pittsburgh.
Wow. I am so glad I found your blog!
First things first- I wanted to tell you what a great parent you are. I saw this article on themighty and wanted to comment.
As a person who has depression, and was once a child with depression, you did the right thing. ALL of you parents reaching out for help because you’re struggling with a child with mental health issues are doing the right thing. Although it’s tough, it’s worth it.
I didn’t get help until I was 15. I struggled all throughout childhood, and at 12, BEGGED my parents for help- to no avail. Depression was the elephant in the family… and if you pretend it’s not there– it will just go away, right?? WRONG. Which is completely ridiculous, my grandpa committed suicide before I was born. This was a big secret until the grandkids all started getting diagnosed. Which is why I speak out so strongly about it today.
There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Also, I see no problems in taking medications. Although it took me 5 years to find the right ones, it was worth it to stick it out til the end.
In addition, coming to your blog, I see that you are a Christian who adopted. I am also a Christian who would LOVE to adopt someday. =)
Lastly, I am a Special Education Teacher. So reading your blog is just a perfect mix of what I needed!
Amy, thank you so much for leaving a message and affirming that we are doing what we need to do to help my daughter.