My husband’s grandmother died last night. Loss is so hard, but a few days ago she woke up disappointed, “I thought I would wake up in heaven,” she said. So as the family gathers to celebrate her life, there is a jumble of emotions as they say goodbye. Sadness that she is no longer here with us, Christmas time now marked with the day she left us here on earth. Yet there is joy of knowing she lived a good life, and she is now face-to-face with Jesus, reunited with her husband. No more pain, no more failing body, no more hearing aids that don’t work.

A few weeks ago one of my dear friends lost her husband. As I sat with her on the days that followed, I took in her grief and loss and my heart cracked. The day of the funeral I crawled under a table with her son, who has autism. So many shoes, so many whispers, so many tears. I stayed close to him and felt the pain every time he asked other kids in attendance, “Where is your daddy?” His daddy is in heaven, gone to soon. But in the midst of the loss I cling to the hope that God will carry them through this.

One of my best friends lost her dad to cancer. Just a few months ago he’d been baptized, the most beautiful baptism ceremony I’ve ever witnessed, I felt so privileged to be there. With my husband being a pastor, we do not live close to family, but my friend’s family was ready to take us in, and I know they would have opened their arms even more if we’d allowed them to. Every time I saw him and his wife, they hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and made me feel welcome. I wish I’d known him better.

Somehow loss and grief wraps you tight.The Christmas lights seem dimmer, like a fog that settles down in your heart and everything is covered by a layer of gray.

I’ve struggled to write the last six months. Really struggled. I think I have too many emotions, and rather than dealing with them I have instead watched lots of Netflix and read books.

My middle daughter goes to therapy every Thursday, it helps with her trauma and feelings regarding her adoption and disability, but there have been times when her wonderful therapists have said, “What about you mom?” And I think this is one of those times where I have lots of emotions, and just like my daughter needs help sorting them out, sometimes I need help too. So moms out there (and dads too), don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.

However, a few weeks ago I saw my dad for an evening. It’s complicated. But we made plans for my birthday, he is planning to come see me, and the little girl in me is happy, so happy that her daddy is coming. The big girl in me is happy, so happy that her daddy is coming.

Last week my girls had a Christmas program at school. My youngest daughter, who has Down syndrome, danced and sang along with her classmates. She smiled at us, she waved. It was a moment of bursting joy with tears spilling. A moment of bliss. The fog lifted and the lights were so bright, so clear and crisp. What others could not see was how far she has come, but I know, I remember what other years have been like. That day was a gift of joy.

And that is what my children do for me, they take away the veil of grief to let me see the joy.

And during Thanksgiving I connected with a friend and her sister, whom I only knew through social media, and we formed a fast friendship. I look forward to our conversations, our book discussions, and talks about disability.

And a few nights ago, when the kids were in bed, my husband turned on fun Christmas music and we got up and danced in the basement. We jiggled and jumped and he twirled me around. We were dancing silly, laughing, and having fun. Oh the joy in the moment of dancing yourself silly with the man you love!

Life is messy. And it’s beautiful. A patchwork of pain, loss, grief, joy, love, excitement and everything in between.

So in the midst of the loss and pain, I will focus on the good and the joy. Because there is so much to be thankful for. So much indeed that I plan to make 2016 the year of thankfulness, because I don’t want to overlook the blessings and bursts of joy that come to my life each day.

Our Christmas tree is up, the Christmas music is playing, and all the presents delivered by Amazon – thank you very much Amazon Prime!