Both of my children with disabilities receive an inclusive education — since kindergarten. They are now in middle school.
I’ve been fortunate. I have not had to fight for them to be included in the two school districts my kids have been enrolled in.
We did rethink how to do inclusion as my youngest, who has Down syndrome, entered middle school. We are happy with her schedule and the balance she has of regular classes and the time she spends in the special education classroom.
Related: Rethinking Inclusion for My Daughter With Down Syndrome
As parents of kids with disabilities, many of us fight for this inclusion to happen. We want out kids to learn alongside their typical peers. The thing is, our kids can be excluded even when included in mainstream education. If they are sitting on their own or with their paraprofessional, if they cannot keep up with conversations, if they are not developmentally at the same stage as their classmates, chances are they are not connecting with their peers. At least not in meaningful ways that lead to real friendships.
I have been to the middle school several times this year. Mostly to help with fun activities in my daughter’s special education classroom. I have had the opportunity to watch her interactions with her typical peers. Kids know her, many greet her and say hello. She even has a group of girls from her elementary school that she sits with during lunch. But that doesn’t mean she’s part of the group.
During lunch, she sits at the same table as the other girls, but the cafeteria is loud. The girls talk and giggle and speak so fast. My daughter cannot keep up with the fast pace of the conversations. Once in a while she tries to ask them questions or interact with them, but as soon as they respond they move on from interacting with her. She is sitting right in the middle of the girls, yet she is not a part of the group. It breaks my heart.
These are nice girls, and while we call them “friends,” they are not really her friends. They are not inviting my daughter to their parties or wanting to spend time with her outside of school.
Related: My Kindergartner With Down Syndrome Has a Friend
Now that we are in middle school, the developmental gap continues to grow. It was much easier in elementary school. We did get party invitations and I heard from other moms how much their little girls loved my rascal. Even in fourth and fifth grade she had the most amazing friend of all. A friend who invited her for playdates after school, invited her to her birthday parties, and who naturally facilitated connections between my daughter and other girls. But it is now middle school. My kid is in a fully inclusive learning environment, but she has no real friends in this setting.
I wish friendships were as simple as they were when she was little.
But I have also watched her interact with her friends in the special education classroom. I have watched her tease, laugh, and play with peers who, like her, have intellectual disabilities. They have fun together. They learn together. They help each other. They are patient with each other when speaking, or when someone uses a communication device.
An inclusive education leads to many positive interactions between typical kids and disabled kids, (and this is important). But it doesn’t necessarily mean true friendships.
This is why friendships for our kids within their own communities are so important. This is why we are trying to prioritize events put out by our local disability organizations. Why we make it a priority to go out for lunch or do an activity with her friend who has Down syndrome (and who goes to a different school).
I have many friends who have adult children with disabilities. Their children have busy (and I mean busy) social lives, spending time with friends who are disabled, like them.
As parents, I wonder if we place too much hope in friendships developing as a result of inclusive education — as if having typically developing friends was the “goal.” My goal for inclusive education is for my kid to learn while at school. To learn to interact with typical peers — who she will be working with as an adult. If a real friendship stems from that, great.
But when it comes to friendships, I am encouraged and happy because my kids belong to communities where they will find life-long friendships and support. They may not have many friends at school, but they can have friends to hang out with after school, or on the weekends, or during summer break. You know, real friends.
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I think friendship is hugely important but I think what the school system doesn’t get is that you cannot just dump kids into a room together whether it’s mainstream inclusion or special education and automatically expect bonds to form. Friendships must form naturally regardless of disability or not. I always had both able bodied and disabled friends who I mostly met via activities and hobbies I picked, on my own, so I already had a shared interest with the others regardless of disability and that made it easier. Let Nicole and Nina just gravitate to who they gravitate to. Remember that middle school kids are more concerned with social issues related to how much they fit in or how popular they are so Nicole may be an afterthought until they are all older with more life experience. It may also be these able bodied friends may be scared Nicole is not allowed to or can’t do things they plan at their parties and don’t wish to embarrass her. As Nicole has a CPAP now remember that may make sleep overs with able bodied friends more of a challenge as the able bodied kids parents may be intimidated by the CPAP.
I read with great interest your article on friendships within an “inclusive” setting. I’m a special education teacher (retired), and I once had the privilege of working in a middle school where inclusion was embraced. The resource room was a large, open room where several small groups could congregate. The normal day for all of us consisted of the special ed teacher working side by side with the gen ed teacher in the classroom. We basically team-taught. Sometimes I would take a small group of mixed ability kiddos to the resource room and sometimes the gen ed teacher would do the same. So all the students saw the resource room as a place to get extra attention and help (if needed). I saw so much love and caring on the part of all my students – it was heartwarming. Sadly, not all schools are like that. Every teacher and every administrator bought into inclusion and made it the norm for all. I have since discovered that that experience was rare and not typical. It was so much easier for kids to make friends – all kinds of friends – in that environment.
Hi Sharon. I don’t know if what you are describing is common or not. This sounds very similar to what my daughter has in middle school. However, aside from kids being nice to each other and interacting (with adults facilitating, which many of our kids need that), I do not consider those friendships. They are classmates, but that relationship is not translating outside of school. Did you see your students hanging out and being inclusive outside of school? To me that is a sign of a true friendship.
You are right about friendships in school not necessarily translating to friendships outside of school. Although I did see students sitting together at lunch and being included in a “real” way. When it came to birthday parties, etc. I also saw students inviting/including all students. Of course it wasn’t 100%, but at middle school especially, it can be difficult to have solid friendships with anyone. I find this especially true with girls at that age. One day they are best friends with someone, and then the next day it all falls apart. What I saw was adults modeling (to all students) the appropriate way to be a true friend. Children that age are all learning social skills that are new to them because they are less dependent on their parents making some of those decisions (who to play with, who to invite to a party, who to sit with at lunch, etc.). These social skills need to be taught and practiced – and when they have opportunities in school to do that they are more likely to use those skills outside of school. Having said all of that, I also think it is important for parents of children with disabilities to offer as many opportunities as they can to participate in activities their children enjoy outside of school that include children of all abilities. Making true friendships can be daunting, and I think all children need to learn how navigate that journey through communication, education, social gatherings, church (that should be an ideal place but often is not), and family outings.
I am also a learning support teacher with almost 29 years of experience. I also have a 32 year old daughter (ID)and a 33 year old son (autism) and a 20 year old neuro-typical son. I’ve taught in pull out and inclusive settings and asked the same, when appropriate, for my own children. I couldn’t agree more with the need for appropriate social opportunities for our children with disabilities. These events should out number the opportunities for our “regular” students. What planners need to understand that this is an extremely important learning environment for our kids. They shouldn’t just be turned loose to interact. Planned activities with structured, consistent rewards and interventions MUST be a part of all social activities.
Well said!!
Very relevant for my autistic son’s situation at the moment. Your article made me realise how brave my son and I are: tomorrow we are having his first birthday party since he started school, with school friends invited. He has not been invited to any typically developing children’s houses on playdates ever, and he is now in his 4th year of primary school. He has not shown an interest in inviting others to his house before either, but now finally at age 8 he is doing so. Bless him. I dont even know what these children or their parents look like for the above reasons (they are in the year above too and are handpicked by teachers and brought to see him for social skills sessions in school), and I had to ask teachers to give out the invites. We will just have to wing it when they arrive on our doorstep! I cant help wondering if he, and we as a family, would feel less isolated if he went to a special school and could try to make true friendships with other autistic kids who struggle socially and with sensory like him.
Hi Ellen, you spoke straight to my burdened heart with this article: “An Inclusive Education…”
My daughter Rachael is 8yo and she is non-verbal, with developmental delays, along with her trach and g-button – as she was born with a rare disorder, Trisomy 9.
When she was younger, I saw things that other kids were just naturally doing/not doing, and although mostly unintentional, Rachael didn’t seem to mind much.
Now that she’s more aware, thinking about “friends” of Rachael – true friends, is daunting. My heart melted when we went to Hawaiian Falls a while back, to see Rachael completely ecstatic to see her “friends” in a non-school environment! She literally cried tears of joy.
Even when her “friends” at church play with her, at times… for a brief moment, I expect more sincerity from her Christian friends, than from her non-Christian friends. I know this is very wrong, so I don’t stay in these moments, very long. It takes an act of God in me, to trust that she will be just fine and that He is building her and our character through all of it.
Thank you for sharing your journey with those of us with similar journeys. Real friends are very difficult to come by – for all of us, so we hope and pray that she will have one or two by the time we are gone. Sorry for being so dramatic. LOL.
I couldn’t agree with you more. Sadly, my daughter with autism somewhat “rejects” other students with disabilities. She so much does not want to be different herself that she doesn’t think being around others’ who might make her stand out for another reason. At the same time, she has the same experience you describe where the conversations move too quickly for her to truly interact. As a young adult, she now has significant social anxiety. I’m sure some of that comes from her many experiences of feeling inadequate in social situations. Some of the difficulty comes from her being a girl and the world of autism is so filled with boys. She has been in social skills groups with boys her whole life and really never found another girl on the spectrum she could befriend. I hope she finds some “true” peers as she gets older because I do believe that is where she will be happiest. Thanks for writing about this topic 🙂
Molly, this is my daughter to a TEE!!! She literally rejects social skills groups- the thought of being labeled as “different” because she’s lumped in with other autistic students is her worst nightmare. And to be honest- in many cases, those groups don’t suit her- she’s often the most high-functioning in the bunch (and the only girl), yet interactions with typical girl groups can be challenging for obvious reasons… I keep hoping as she gets older (she’s 12 now) she’ll eventually find girls who accept her for who she is.
Thank you for this very important observation. My son is now 42. He was on the cutting edge of the full inclusion movement. I pushed hard for this all the years he was in school. I also found it very disappointing that few friendships developed with “typical” students during those years. The potential for bullying was also enhanced. It was worth the risk in his case. What I found many years after high school, is that it did make a difference. We live in a small town where many of his classmates still live or come back to visit their families. Almost all of them remember my son and greet him warmly at the coffeehouse or wherever and interact in very nice ways asking about his life etc. They are all adults now. Many with families. I think we have to remember how terrifying it can be to be a kid. Disabled or not. Especially in middle and HS. They’re all trying to figure out their own place. And have their own awkwardness. There’s always a few that seem more mature and compassionate and genuine than most. But still it’s painful to see our kids left out. It’s just a hard time all around. My son did go to his 10 and 20 year reunions and had a really fun time. He has 6 of the best pals he’s ever had. All with various disabilities that care about each other and spend lots of nights hanging out together. He has his own shredding business and works at many places in town. He is well known and always runs into people of all ages that know him. The experience of inclusive classrooms, while not fully developed and mostly disappointing in the moment, can have a positive long term impact. But it’s true that it takes a lot of facilitation on the part of parents and caregivers to develop and keep those connections into the future. We all want others to love our kids as much as we do. Especially when we can’t be there. I think that’s the most important thing to parents and the greatest potential heartbreak. It’s more important than learning to read and write! You can always adapt to those limitations. But love and care? Not so much.
An inclusive school environment is important because our son learns by watching and sometimes imitating what typically developing kids do. His classmates are mostly supportive and encouraging, and sometimes protective, too.
But outside the school environment, you are correct — he is not invited to parties, playdates, sleep-overs, or movies. He is in high school now, and I worry about what will happen when everyone graduates and goes their separate ways, when there is no organized daily interactions with others.
Special Olynpics is one program that can help many but not all special needs individuals.
We’re still trying to figure out what his adult life will look like — will we be able to find a group home with others where he hopefully can develop friendships (he needs help with his medicines) — sooner rather than after we are gone?
I have seen the difficulty in making true friendships with my daughter who was included in gen ed the majority of her school years. High school was where she struggled with friendships. But there have been jewels in most of the extra curriculars that have warmed my heart. My belief is that if inclusion were the norm, there would have been more kids with intellectual disabilities for her to be friends with in and out of school. Instead, we’ve had to drive across town to meet with friends we’ve made thru disability organizations because she’s pretty much been the only one with significant intellectual disabilities at her home schools. For all the opportunities she had in gen ed, I wouldn’t have changed her placement. But I do wish others like her hadn’t been sent across town to special programs.
We have been on the same boat. My girls are now in middle school and till this day, my daughter with Down syndrome has always been the only kid with Down syndrome in her school. My daughter with CP has been the only kid with her type of CP at her school.
I found the friendship gap to be true outside of school as well. Scouts, AYSO and church youth groups were “inclusive” but no friendships were formed. Community has been easier to find among peers with challenges.
Saying so much of what I think. I have said over and over in ARDs, “listen, I need some functional teaching and goals. I need social settings taught as well. But the reality is, my daughter is not sleeping over with these kids. She isn’t going to get asked to ride in a limo with them for homecoming. When they (God willing) all head to college, they are not going to come home and hang with her.” They all were like, you don’t know that. And I was like, ya I do. I have 4 other typical kids. And they are precious to her and other kids with diabilites all the time. But, when they are dating and marrying and so forth, they are not going to be thinking about how to include the ‘peer’ that had random screaming fits, and might throw food when hearing a loud noise, to their wedding. I went on our 5th grade retreat for school this year with my daughter. It was eye opening. Something I noticed was that, although she enjoyed it all (well most), there was only probably 40% of the entire time there that she really got something out of it that was intended. That is great. But I realized, there has to be a school out there that the other 60% isn’t just her having ‘an opportunity’, but actually gaining knowledge and gaining meaningful experiences. It really made me focus on a private setting school for her. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing this!
I think it’s important to remember that friendships are generally based on common interests and understanding. There is also an unstated essence of equality in general abilities. Typically developing kids reach a stage in development where a connection with someone not developing as quickly simply isn’t likely. It isn’t that they’re not nice kids, it’s that there’s not that common ground that creates true friendships. It’s human. The odds of my son becoming best buddies with the class introverted science nerd would have been unbelievably huge, no matter what things might have been put into place to encourage it. The same, I think, goes for our children: they will make friends with those who have things in common with them.
When the gap between abilities and interests became too wide, I chose to place my daughter in a Life Skills class – and watched her make friends within a couple weeks who asked her over and who she wanted to invite to our home. When she was old enough to start Special Olympics, we joined a couple sports and the friendships she’s made there have lasted almost 20 years.
It’s a hard row to hoe, as they say, trying to choose the right path. Sometimes it hurts. My daughter’s life isn’t what my other children’s lives are like. But for me, things had to make sense, and the path taken seems to have worked out. My daughter is working, has friends she sees regularly, and continues to be involved in Special Olympics. She has a full life and is happy. For what more could I ask?