Several months ago I realized life was more than I can handle, but it was just recently I understood it meant I needed to make changes — changes I’ve had to grieve because I have to let go of things I’ve held close to me for so long and worked so hard to build.
Last April, as my husband and I drove to our weekly lunch date I said, “I feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of our lives.” My husband had accepted an internship in Minnesota as a requisite to complete his master’s degree in counseling (mid-life change in careers). We were excited to move back to Minnesota to be close to family, but all my attempts to find a full-time job to support my family seemed futile.
My husband reminded me we live by faith and we trusted that God would open doors and provide for us. Honestly, I didn’t find that very reassuring, “In a few weeks,” he said, “things could look quite different.”
And he was right. Within two weeks, in May, I was offered a full-time position as the Parenting Editor for The Mighty, we sold our home in Wisconsin and bought a home in Minnesota (because the housing market, at the time, was moving faster than a New York second).
We moved out of our house at the end of June, I started my job July 1st, we moved into our new home July 15th, the girls started new schools in a new state needing new evaluations and IEPs and health care providers and all the things parents of kids with disabilities understand — not to mention the reality and stress of moving to another state.
I feel I am still trying to keep my head above water.
Most of my writing is now for The Mighty and Group (they pay the bills, after all) so at the end of the work day, I want to close my computer and enjoy my family, not create more content.
I’ve felt guilty. I have not been able to keep up with the podcast, the freebies, the resources, the posts. But I am spent. When I realized I couldn’t do it all, I had to grieve that. I cannot keep a blogging schedule or a podcast schedule. Things I hold close as I have invested so much of me, it’s hard to loosen the grip and let go for this season in life. My anxiety — not surprisingly — has been at an all time high and my doctor suggested I see a therapist. Yes please!
So what does this mean? For a season, this will be my “fun” place. I will still write about parenting kids with disabilities, about church and disability ministry, maybe about books or about being an immigrant or about how amazing it is to live in the Twin Cities where there are ample resources available for my kids we didn’t have access to before. But I won’t be able to keep a blogging schedule; that is more than I can handle at this time.
I will post on Facebook and I have recently discovered Instagram.
I plan to share something I am thankful for every day during 2018, because I know cultivating thankfulness is something I need.
And I will continue to do this “messy and hard” with you if you allow me to. Sometimes life is more than we can handle, but we do not have to do this alone either.
If this is you, too, know that I see you and you are not alone.
So here is to a new year. A new year full of possibilities and connection and encouragement. A year where we can focus on the blessings we receive each day, no matter how small.
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Thank you for being you and pouring truth out here in the messy and hard and real. I kept trying to keep up with the podcasts and blog and groups but in my messy and hard, I couldn’t. (Just please keep everything on here so that I can go back and read when I get a chance!) joining you in focusing on the small with joy..!
Everything will be here, and I will still be here when as I can.
Thanks for being honest, Ellen! It’s hard to let go of certain things during seasons of our lives…I’m sure you’ll get back to those things someday. For now, try to enjoy your work and save time for your family, too. I’ll be praying! ~Robyn
Thank you for your honesty and openness. I really appreciate it. Thank you
Love your work always, Ellen, thank you for being a voice for us all.
Thanks so much for your honesty. I too have felt so stressed and overwhelmed this year, feeling I just can’t keep fighting the battles for my daughter. But as the year closes I have reflected that, well, I have to, so something else just has to give in order that I have the energy for those battles. That will be less time with friends, less time ‘rescuing’ others, and changing my long-held career for something less stressful but less well paid.
Thank you for everything you share with us,
Happy New Year
Susie
Good luck with the many new things, Ellen, and thank you for being there for us and saying what we needed to hear when we needed to hear it. Many Blessings!!
Oh Ellen, I certainly feel that life is much more than I can handle. And, if I’m being honest, the only change I can make at the moment is to find something, anything, firmly rooted into the ground, grab it with all of my might, & not let go until this “perfect storm” passes. Sometimes it’s just more than one person can handle. I admire & appreciate your honesty & your ability to show your vulnerability. I will pray for you, & please pray for me.
Praying
Love your honesty! You have much on your plate and I am so glad you can see changes need to be made before God makes them for you. This has happened to me on more than one occasion.
You have encourage me to get on back to submitting to the mighty.
Please do!
I have been in exactly the same shoes this year. All the newness with 4 with disabilities, and starting public school was extremely stressful for me, as I had always tried to homeschool the 4 along with my typical 3. Yes, letting go, grieving, all very hard, along with the hard and messy of our 24/7 lives. Bless you as you navigate your new course, and thank you for being a voice for all of us moms in the messy and hard.
Love your heart. Welcome to MN (I’m in SE MN). I just read this as my first blog of yours. ? Ironic that now I found you and your heart and resources they won’t be regular. BUT I am grateful. Limits are necessary to allow growth (or at least not withering) in other areas. I look forward to reading your blessings on FB