I parent two disabled kids, and I have been told multiple times I’m “so brave.” (Insert eye roll.)

Maybe I should start asking people exactly what they mean by that phrase. I wonder if they realize how problematic and ableist that comment is.

Do they think I am “brave” for taking my kids out in public? But why wouldn’t I? Anyone paying attention would recognize we are a family, same as everyone else. One of our kids uses a wheelchair and one of our kids may be hard to understand when she speaks, but what exactly is brave about that?

Do they think I am “brave” for parenting my kids? Do they think I would abandon them? These are my kids, disabled or not, why would I not parent my kids? Isn’t that what all parents are supposed to do?

Related: Why My Kids With Disabilities Don’t Make Me a ‘Special Type of Person’

Do they think I am “brave” for providing for their needs? Wouldn’t they do the same for their kids? Or are they suggesting if their kid was disabled they wouldn’t provide the available supports at home and in the community? 

I think saying, “You are so brave” is supposed to be a compliment, but it is not. Worse, this has been said to me in front of my kids, with looks of pity directed at my children. 

Related: Please Don’t Praise Me for Loving My Child With a Disability

Please do not make assumptions about what parenting my kids is like.

I do think parenting, in general, is brave. Because the responsibility we have to love and protect and raise other humans can be overwhelming. It is brave to parent kids in a world that is so divided and lacking kindness. But this is a reality for all parents, not something reserved for those raising disabled kids. 

As a parent, I do need support. I do need words of affirmation. I need to be reminded I am doing a good job, because this parenting thing is hard work.

These are things you can say to support parents like me:

• You are a great mom/dad.
• You are a great advocate for your kid.
• I loved how you stood up for your kid.
• I appreciate that you have helped me understand your world a little better.

Now, if you see me skydiving. Yes, please, do call me brave. 

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