Many parents talk about how difficult it is to parent teenagers. And while yes, it is a period of time when kids are pushing boundaries wanting to become independent, I personally love having teenagers.

Perhaps the most difficult part of having disabled teens has been my own personal adjustment. Not because of them, but because I have to be the one to set boundaries… for me.

Related: 5 Things I Can Do to Become a Better Parent to My Disabled Kids

What does that mean?

It means upholding their dignity always and before all people.

This means I have no business sharing any personal details about their life. I really don’t. The same way I have no business sharing any personal details about my husband, my parents, or my best friend unless they explicitly say they are okay with me publicly sharing those details.

It means I don’t share anything my kids do not consent to. If my child is not able to give consent, that automatically falls under the “do not share” category because I have no consent.

I know this doesn’t sit well with many parents. After all, we often share so that “other parents know they are not alone.” We share with the best of intentions. But when that sharing compromises a child’s dignity, then no amount of “helping others” can justify stripping a child of their dignity. Most excuses given to justify that breach of confidentiality rarely benefit the child. Most of the time the reasons given are about the parent or about others. When we overshare at the expense of our kids, we are not doing this parenting thing right.

Related: What to Share (and Not to Share) About Your Child With a Disability

You cannot uphold someone’s dignity when you share personal details. You just can’t. And as parents we are meant to protect our kids.

Ableism has normalized sharing personal details about disabled individuals, especially when it comes to the population of individuals with intellectual disabilities.   

So let’s talk about what ableism is:

Wikipedia: “Ableism (/ˈeɪbəlɪzəm/; also known as ablism, disablism (Brit. English), anapirophobia, anapirism, and disability discrimination) is discrimination and social prejudice against people with disabilities or who are perceived to have disabilities. Ableism characterizes persons as defined by their disabilities and as inferior to the non-disabled. On this basis, people are assigned or denied certain perceived abilities, skills, or character orientations.”

We could add to this: disabled people are denied basic dignity and respect because of the belief that, “they don’t understand, so they don’t care.”

Urban Dictionary: “Ableism is the discrimination or prejudice against people who have disabilities. Ableism can take the form of ideas and assumptions, stereotypes, attitudes and practices, physical barriers in the environment, or larger scale oppression. It is oftentimes unintentional and most people are completely unaware of the impact of their words or actions.”

Many people are truly unaware the impact of their words paints disabled individuals as inferior. It dehumanizes them.

I work at the middle school my youngest daughter attends. I get to have lunch with her every day and I have gotten to know most of her classmates in her special education class. What some paraprofessionals share with me about the students are details that are none of my business. Details I did not ask for, and that any middle schooler would be absolutely mortified to have shared about them. Why do we, as a society, not recognize how wrong it is to share those details? How do we not see it is ableism? If we know it would be wrong to share about a typical student, how do we not transfer the same care and respect to disabled students?

Because of ableism.

Related: Why I Choose Not to Write Personal Details About My Children With Disabilities

And I know, I know, it is very hard for us as parents to recognize that we too hold ableist attitudes, because the thing about ableist attitudes, is that most of us are completely unaware we have them. And when we parent disabled kids, we love them so fiercely and fight so hard for them, that we mistakenly believe we cannot possibly hold ableist attitudes.

Listen, I will be the first to raise my hand and admit I hold ableist attitudes. I don’t want to, and I am putting in the work to address my own problematic beliefs and behaviors. Thankfully, I have disabled friends who call me out when my ableism comes out. Those instances are humbling, and I have to repent of that and ask for forgiveness. Then do better next time.

Owning up to my own ableism — and recognizing it — is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a parent of disabled kids. But doing this changed my parenting. It made me a better mom. And it made me a better ally to the disability community, although I still mess up and I am still learning.

And disabled individuals have been telling us for a very long time to stop oversharing as parents. They were once our kids. I believe when we honor the disability community as a whole, we honor our kids too.

So parenting disabled teens looks a lot like listening, respecting, and following the lead of the disability community. It looks a lot like learning from disabled activists and elevating the voices of disabled individuals. It is admitting I have lots to learn.

I adore having teens, with all the complexities it brings and all the joys.

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