Someone googled, “Why do some pastor’s wives misbehave” and they found my blog, so I figured I should address a possible why. (And is google trying to tell me something?)
Pastor’s wives misbehave because they are as human as the rest of humanity. Nobody in ministry is exempt from sinful nature.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
Pastor’s wives struggle with the same issues all women do.
Sometimes, pastor’s wives fight depression and anxiety like their neighbor does (and it is hard enough to talk about mental health issues within the church, if you are the pastor’s wife you exponentially increase the pressure to be “perfect.” It’s not easy).
Sometimes, pastor’s wives have to fight for their marriage like so many other married couples do.
Sometimes, pastors wives have to fight greed or bitterness.
Sometimes, pastor’s wives feel alone.
Sometimes, pastor’s wives have had enough from the church, feeling the pressure of high standards and expectations, feeling scrutinized in every move, feeling like the microscope is on them on how they parent, how they keep their home, how many Bible studies they lead, or how many women’s prayer groups they are a part of.
Sometimes, pastor’s wives wish they had true friends at their church, someone that sees them as a peer, and not just “the pastor’s wife.”
I cannot speak for any other pastor’s wife except for me, but I do know what it feels like to feel overwhelmed in ministry. I know what it feels like to want to give up and walk away from the Church.
I am thankful I am married to a man who puts God first, then his family, then his job. There are many “emergencies” that happen within a congregation, but we are his priority. I have never felt abandoned by my husband, or like I am a single parent, or like he is emotionally present to others but not to our family. This is a hard thing to do when you pastor a church, and I hope you understand that, because many people could look at my husband and think he is not doing enough at church. There are some high and unrealistic expectations for those in ministry, and I want you to know that many, many pastor’s families drown under that pressure.
Why someone “misbehaves” is as personal and unique as the circumstances that caused them to make that choice.
Perhaps they felt like they did not matter.
Perhaps they felt their husband was not present at home because he was too involved in the church.
Perhaps they are under a lot of stress.
Perhaps they felt at the end of their rope.
Being in ministry is a privilege and a beautiful thing, but it is also brutally hard!
So go call your pastor’s wife, tell her you appreciate her. Ask her out for coffee and ask how her marriage is doing (yes, you can even talk about sex with your pastor’s wife!). When her children misbehave tell her you are so thankful they are a normal family. When she looks frazzled recognize that she also has bad days.
Pastor’s wives are women, with the same needs, fears, and insecurities as most other women. They are NOT holier, they do NOT hold a higher place of communion with God, and they WILL mess up.
Life is messy, we are all broken people, we all desperately need God.
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I love this post! Of course first I had to giggle that someone found your website through that search. 🙂 I have felt the same thing as a “missionary”. Just because our income came in a different way than most people and our work was in ministry didn’t mean we had it together. One woman went to lunch with me and said “I was so intimidated by you when I first met you because you are a missionary, but now I realize your just a normal person!” Well I’m glad she realized that but how many other people didn’t and held expectations for me that I couldn’t meet? I for one think you are an awesome pastor’s wife…..even if you do misbehave ;).
I’m sure you felt that, or at some point you met someone and it is a great conversation and suddenly it comes out you were a missionary (or a pastor’s wife) and things just…change. Ugh!
I’m shocked that of all the websites, yours came up in that search. You do an amazing job promoting love and acceptance. I LOVE that your reaching out to help churches and Christians be better people. I’m a whole-hearted Jesus follower, but I’ve been burned by the church – I was once a pastors wife too. Thank you for all you do.
Hopefully it is a good thing they found it! “Misbehave” kind of makes it sound like a little kid throwing a tantrum though, doesn’t it?
Lovely post. You write transparently (that a word?!) without inviting us to a pity party. What I would really like to know is the story behind why someone was searching such a term? Could be any number of reasons…!
Hugs from someone who has a child with DS and is the wife of a former church pastor (but still in ministry) x
Sarah, thanks! That is my goal, to be vulnerable and real without crossing the line.
Yep, you just about nailed it, Ellen!!! Thanks! From one to another!
I am new to being a pastors wife. This year has been the hardest year of my life. I often feel alone. Though I have a wonderful marriage with a very supportive husband and awesome kids, I have found myself suddenly battling anxiety and depression daily. My husband knows about it and we are praying and fighting it together. But I sure do wish I had someone I could talk too. Thanks for your article. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
Christina, praying for you, and no, you are not alone!
You are extremely fortunate Ellen that your husband has his priorities straight, unfortunately many pastor’s are discouraged to put family into their priority list, and we often succumb to feeling alone, abandoned, burdened, and as if we are more of a barrier to ministry than we are a blessing. While I believe it is absolutely the choice of the pastor to prioritize his life, some churches will not allow the pastor to make family a priority, some denominations make a stable family life nearly impossible by constantly uprooting our lives via itinerancy, by paying pastors with masters degree level educations nearly minimum wage for a 24/7 job, by providing benefits packages that pale in comparison to basic welfare. Add special needs, severe special/medical needs and everything can and does begin to crumble.
When you have church members crying in your husbands office because they didn’t like his sweater on Sunday, or they berate him for a spelling mistake in the church bulletin, or he has to stay after a long day to clean the church because no one else will do it, or you have church members calling at all hours because they feel alone, see ghosts, or just need a friend – when can a pastor make his family a priority? How?
How do you not become bitter as a spouse, even though you thought you understood what being a clergy spouse really meant? Clearly, I had no idea. I had no idea we would be moved over 10 times in under 8 years. I had no idea my only child would have a terminal diagnosis. I had no idea church members could be so consuming and even trump every major triumph and trial in our family life (and we have had many of both). I do sometimes resent this life, I resent the church, and I even wave my fists at God in anger and discouragement. (I know God can handle it).
I am not sure how I have prevented myself from “acting out” other than I am just too tired, caregiving occupies all of my time (and more), and I hope that my faith is still somewhat intact to help guide me as a good Christian. I may not be a good wife, I am certainly not a good pastor’s wife…but I am a good mother, a decent human being who is striving to be a GOOD human being, and I still believe that Jesus saves. Perhaps I need saving, but perhaps some people are given way more than they can handle too.
Anita, I am so sorry that this is your experience, ugh! And you are right, some churches think they own their pastors, and some pastors think their churches come first. I don’t know if it is because we find such meaning in our lives in “what we do.” I could not a parent alone, yet I know too many pastor’s wives that do.Thankfully, we had people in our lives that stressed to us, first God, then your family, THEN church. What good is it for a man to meet all the needs of other people when his very own at home are suffering or falling apart We know an unfortunate situation when a pastor chose to go on a trip, his daughter called him and asked him to come home, she needed him. He told her “god’s people needed him too.” And that night his daughter committed suicide, it rocked him.
And I’m with you, why why why does it matter what he wears, or if people sit on chairs or pews, or if there are too many hymns or too many contemporary sings, really? I mean, really? That is not what this is about!
I don’t know that we will always be in ministry, but this is where we are now. Having a small church has many blessings, this being one of them, he can set the tone, but from the beginning, we have made it clear (my husband has) first God, then his family, then church.
P.S. We have had situations when people have actually told him they think they should go first before his family, (As in, “I should be your priority, not your family!”)
P.P. S. I have wanted to quit and walk out of ministry MANY times.
Wow! Are you in my head?! I’ve been a pastors wife for almost 8 years now. We’ve been married for almost 9 and being in the ministry was not what we had thought we would be doing. We are both teachers and now he’s the pastor of our church. I am a terrible pastors wife. I don’t understand why people don’t use their spiritual gifts in church or don’t help in VBS! People just want what the church can give them not what they can give to the church. It’s hard being on the pedestal they put us on. We don’t need to be or should be. We are human and make mistakes just like everyone else. I could go on and on but I won’t. But I just want to say thank you for your words. They really spoke to me. God bless you and your family!
Thanks Ally, praying for you!