Almost every parent of a child with a disability I know has been told at some point that, “God gives ‘special children’ to ‘special parents.'” I hear some parents find this sentiment comforting, but the majority of us just roll our eyes.
We know we are not “special.”
As a matter of fact, we are pretty ordinary. I have said this before, we are the you you would be if your child had a disability.
Related: Why My Kids With Disabilities Don’t Make Me a ‘Special Type of Person’
Sure, some parents are nice, but some turn out to be bad parents. Like all parents, some are good, some are bad, some are optimistic, some are abusive, some are warriors, some are neglectful, some are exhausted, some have addictions, some do a marvelous job at portraying perfection on Instagram. It’s the reality of being a parent, it can bring out the best or the worst in you — and sometimes both.
Nothing “special” to see here.
Also, can somebody please point out to me where exactly in the Bible it says this? If we are claiming to know God’s intention, surely we can find it in scripture. We hear it so often and with such conviction there must be some passage in scripture that says, “God gives ‘special’ children to ‘special’ parents.” Except you won’t find that in scripture.
Instead, this is what you will find:
Children are a gift from the Lord;
Psalm 127:3 (NLT)
They are a reward from him.
“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20b (NLT)
So to recap, this is what we do know based on actual scripture if we are going to claim we know God’s intention:
Children with disabilities are a blessing (as are all children).
We can acknowledge that parenting kids with disabilities is more. As parents, we have to stand against so many obstacles to ensure our children have their best life. We take on the giants that are insurance companies, school districts, sometimes even a medical system that sees our children as “less” and unworthy of certain medical interventions. And often, we do this in isolation, because this parenting kids with disabilities can be lonely — for us and for our kids. But we do it nonetheless with the promise (for those of us who have faith) that whatever comes our way, God promises to be with us. Always. To the end.
Related: 9 Worries I Have as a Parent of a Child With a Disability
God doesn’t give “special children” to “special parents.” He gives children with disabilities to ordinary parents. They are His blessing, and He promises to walk with us.
One thing I will concede is that for many of us, our kids with disabilities do make us better people. Not “special,” but rather more accepting and understanding and loving.
So when we reach out and ask for help, please remember we are not extraordinary and of a super human variety. We are so ordinary that we get weary and we cannot do it all on our own. We are asking for help because we are exhausted, we feel isolated, and we need a friend to reach out and walk along our side.
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Agreed.
Those folks are probably misinformed.
Starting out we did pretty thorough research into the adoption programs available and never ran across this one.
I am surprised you haven’t heard this one yet! It may come. I have heard it so many times. Now when people say this to me (often people I know), I lean in and ask them, “You do realize who you are talking, right?” And then we laugh because people know there is nothing special about me. Ha!
I meant that program where special kiddos are immediately provided directly by the Higher Authority. It sounds very streamlined.
(Oh yes, I have heard the phrase you mentioned- not to us)
The root of the problem as I see it is this:
When folks say that, its a kind of unintentional implicit ablism. It implies that a disabled child is less valued in a way, since a consolation is offered. That is grating. The easiest response might be to point out the error in the implied statement with humor.
(Like you did so well!)
“When folks say that, it’s a kind of unintentional implicit ableism. It implies that a disabled child is less valued in a way, since a consolation is offered.” Agreed!
Ellen, I am not sure I agree. I think God knew when he knitted you together in your momma’s womb and then again with your daughter. You are special. Yes, you are ordinary too. We are all unique in different ways.
But he knew what you would do, how you would help others. Yes, you get weary like everybody else.
Our special needs are different. But I am proud God chose me to be the mommas of some exceptional children. Sometimes I am in awe that he trusted me enough to parent His children.
Smiled and bit my tongue when people said this to me. I realized they were trying to be kind. God brought us to a whole new world of possibilities. We see people not disabilities. God has guided us through prayer to deeper hope and great joy. Jeremy is 31 and we are not empty nester like our peers but life is good.
Totally agree
Yes! I dislike it For many of the reasons that you described.
One of which of course being that it is not scripturally based.
Then it is an assumption that people make to make themselves feel better because life sucks sometimes And people naturally search for meaning in that. There is no meaning to this. Life just sucks sometimes and when we have children we roll the genetic dice.
Finally I dislike the saying because it makes God out to be some horrible person. I mean, what kind of person rewards his children by making their life harder and torturing them by making watch helplessly while their children suffer. The God who is my best friend and my spiritual father would never do that to me. He wouldn’t do that to his worst enemy.
Those are my reasons and I love the article
i have always felt this was a way to pretend I didn’t need their help. I always try and flip back – oh no we aren’t special we are more tired, than anything – which is true.