I know your worried thoughts, the ones that keep you up at night lulling you to sleep, the thoughts that sometimes accuse you as you parent your child with disabilities: Could I do more? Am I enough?
Maybe if I could get my child to try the new therapy – the one that promises great results – then maybe my child’s mobility would finally improve.
If I could get my insurance to cover more speech therapy sessions, then maybe my child would be able to communicate better.
Maybe if I was more disciplined at making every moment a learning moment, a therapy moment, then maybe my child would be doing much better where they lack in development.
I entertain these thoughts a few times a year, especially when I see other children with the same disabilities my girls have, yet they seem to be excelling while my daughters struggle. If I dwell on them for too long, I begin to look at myself as the person to blame, as if I had the power to cure my daughters’ disabilities. But I can’t.
The truth is, I often take my children’s success and failure as a reflection of my own as a parent. I take the burden into my own hands instead of trusting that God loves my kids, and He holds them in His right hand.
And while I think that God is a loving Father, that He indeed loves my kids, I am reminded that he also is my father. He loves me just as much, and He holds me in His right hand too. Just like my children, I am also the beloved.
As the beloved, I found that God had words of comfort for me in His word:
Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he’ll do whatever needs to be done:
He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.Psalm 37:5-6 The Message
So I opened up before God and held nothing back, I said, “God, I fear I am not enough for my girls. I fail at stretching the tight muscles, or working on vocal drills. When it comes to being a special needs mom, I feel like I am failing my kids.”
And He did what needed to be done, He reminded me that what is most important is that I love my girls, however imperfect my love might be, He knows my heart. And He validates my life, my efforts, and my tenacity to do the best I can. He gives me His stamp of approval.
And this is what I want to say to you, special needs parent who wonders if you are enough. You are.
You are enough.
You don’t have to fix your children, you do what you can. You don’t need to put more pressure on yourself, you don’t need to be super mom or super dad. Because what really matters is that you never stop loving. And you love fiercely, deeply. God validates your life, your efforts, your tenacity to do the best you can. He gives you His stamp of approval.
You are enough.
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Thank you!I do lie awake at night thinking these thoughts,especially as I am/was a Speech Therapist “in real life”.If only I devised the right programme maybe my small girl would talk?!But she doesn’t want me to be her Speech Therapist-just her Mum.If you can get hold of a BBC film called “Marvellous”a true story about an amazing man with learning difficulties-as well as being brilliant,funny and well acted,it reminded me that as parents what makes us successful is giving our children love and emotional resilience-that’s what counts(Oh but I still lie awake!!)Thanks for your blog-it’s what I need at the moment!
I am a speech therapist too…and the mom of two kiddos with nonverbal forms of autism. I know the struggle.
Some great advice I received, as the parent of a child with Down Syndrome, and an SLP by profession, was from Patricia Oelwein who worked with children with Down Syndrome for much of her career. She mentioned at one of her workshops that we, as parents, should not worry about what we wished we had done for our children based on new information we obtain. She said to remember that, “You did your best with what you knew at the time.” Sometimes I think God spoke to me through that woman. Her comment helped me not to worry about what I could have done differently, but to focus on the present.
Mary, I do believe that often God speaks to us through other people 🙂
I am having a hard time receiving this encouragement, but I will keep trying as I continue to bring my situation to prayer. The failure I have been feeling recently as a parent wasn’t initiated by myself, but by my neurotypical son who has made it clear to my husband and especially me that somehow we failed him as parents. Then I do feel like a failure, as I can’t believe the sweet, loving, caring, empathetic, and responsible child I raised (characteristics not uncommon of siblings of differently abled children) could turn on us so heartlessly. How do you come to terms with that when you are absolutely sure you did the very best you could?
Sally, I know you are not alone in this. I have hear of several parents in your situation, and I have heard of the pain those words bring. if this is any encouragement to you, I know as their children get older, they come back to understand their parents better, and see the challenges that their parents faced. I don’t have any personal experience, and I am sure you have talked to your son, does he have any requests of you? Is there something he would like? more one-on-one time? On the mean time, I am praying for you, for your son, and your family. Sending you big hugs.