It took two and a half years to get the services I needed for my kids since we moved to Minnesota. That was several social workers, several of the same evaluations (so frustrating) until finally things happened.
Actually, things started moving and happening after I quit my full-time job so I could devote all my time and energy to care for my girls. It should not have come to that, but it did.
I am “that mom,” who shows up at IEPs with treats, but also makes it clear, “this is non-negotiable.”
I am “that mom” who shows up at parent-teacher conferences and tells the teachers, “You can put your computer away, today you get a lesson about my child.” And I go through printed materials and make them read out loud the handouts I give to them (because did you know in middle school and high school most general education teachers don’t read the IEP? All they do is get instructions form the special education teacher and that’s it). So I have to be “that mom” in order to get teachers to understand the complexities of each of my two kids who have IEPs.
Related: Dear General Education Teacher, Let’s Talk About Your Role in My Child’s Education
I am “that mom” who — to my children’s embarrassment — emails teachers when inclusion is “forgotten,” because nobody puts my kid behind a piano at a choir concert. (I talked to the choir teacher and he is lovely, extending grace is a thing but “that mom” will come out swinging when something that should have never happened, happened.)
Related: Dear Choir Teacher, Are You Really Including My Child With a Disability?
I am “that mom” who spends hours on the phone with insurance, making sure one of my kids doesn’t go without medication or the adaptive equipment she needs.
I am “that mom” who posts on social media calling out the ableism my kids experience on a regular basis.
I am “that mom” who becomes “that friend” when people use derogatory language or make jokes at the expense of people with disabilities. They should know better.
I do all this because I have to be “that mom.”
I have fight for my kids because if I don’t, then who will? I know I am not alone in this battle, and there are many other parents of kids with disabilities and now, a generation of disabled adults who are speaking up and leading the efforts in disability advocacy so we can join in as allies. But I am the only person walking in to the IEP meeting (even with an advocate, it is an IEP for my kid). I am the only one who can fight insurance on their behalf. The only one who can confront teachers when an IEP is not being followed. And my kids are vulnerable, much more vulnerable than many other kids.
So I will keep being “that mom” for my kids as long as they need me to be.
Maybe sometimes I don’t recognize I don’t have to fight so hard, but past experiences have told me I have to in order for anything to get done.
Perhaps when individuals with disabilities are truly considered in all aspects of our society, I won’t have to be “that mom.” But until then, yes, I am “that mom” and proud of it.
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From one Warrior Mom to another, I hear your battle cry!! I have had to fight for my daughter to get supports and services on her IEP from age 3 to 17, always with an advocate. Then to fight to make sure that, which was promised in her IEP, was implemented. Every IEP meeting audio recorded- the teacher admitting by year’s end, “Looks like I made a mistake.” Along with the site SLP, the school’s AAC Specialist and the district Rep, all excusing themselves from responsibility. By 11th grade I WAS DONE ! Moved her to an NPS while we consider Comp Ed filing and other similar legal matters.
And yes, I too sacrificed my career in order to inform/compel/babysit school staff and advocate for my child. I too brought Starbucks coffee and treats to IEP meetings. I secured a 10K grant and a 15K grant for a school shade structure and adaptive playground equipment. Tried really hard to be a Team Player through elementary, middle and high school.
Not only did I turn into “That Mom,” I blame the district and school staff (lemmings) for forcing me into this role. When push comes to shove… my kid comes first always.
Thanks for the Post Ellen. Short, bitter sweet and to the point.
Amen! The school district ruined our life. Only because of my faith and trust in the Lord have we made it through a four year battle of being ignored. Finally ended up in mediation and I pulled both of my children. Drained me emotionally, financially, drained my time… I’m a retired teacher which is the only reason I had the time to fight. My expertise was ignored. Ableism!
Hmmm, would ALL staff taking a “SPED Oath” help to eradicate Ableism? At the very least give them pause for thought…
“I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Special Education of all those individuals whom I am about to serve, against all discrimination at the school site, at the school district level and within any outside service hired; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the supports and services that are deserving and appropriate to each individual; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of my position on which I am about to enter: So help me God.”
Love this!
Same here! That’s why I started “That Mom” Podcast! I’m totally sharing this on that page!
Oh, a fellow podcaster!
I am that grandmother! We adopted 2 special needs children over 30 years ago and their school would ask “what are you doing here” more times than I can remember. Now the youngest has 2 children with differences and I am much more informed thanks to support groups on the internet and hours of research. Their mother has ADHD and some learning disabilities so I have stepped up. My daughter literally cannot sit through long IEP or other meetings for longer than 30 minutes. I have hired an advocate for 3 reasons : for my peace of mind as I am 68 and need to know my Grandkids will be taken care of in school; because I am hoping that my daughter will listen to an expert and accept any advice and help her deal; and though I have spent hours researching IDEA etc. and have 3 foot stacks of printouts, I need someone to organize and prioritize all my ideas.
Oh man, this post pulls at so many heart strings, and I have felt all of this at such a deep level, and my child is only five. Your kids are lucky to have you in their corner, and to have someone who loves them so deeply and is willing to fight for them.
Paige
Thanks Paige. While I have a deep love for all my children, there is also a deep conviction with in me that school staff and district be called out and held accountable for that which they are responsible for, for that which they have promised in the IEP.
I weary of babysitting these so-called professional adults, constantly having to follow up with school and district staff, because they WILL drag their feet, AND deflect blame, WITH a smile on their face. (I’ve often wondered how they can sleep at night.)
Worth noting here: While we can pound the pavement and fight for what our kids should be getting, once the IEP is written and signed- calling out, correcting (ie babysitting) School and District Staff is to help them fix their problems and this is not what my attorney wishes I would do. From a legal stand point, especially if I think I may want to seek comp-ed in the near future, it can be determined a better choice (in the long run), to let staff make some mistakes. I journal my concerns and document facts. I communicate to staff via email, ask lots of questions, audio record IEP meetings, and try to keep paperwork organized, (I am the worst at this!) Sadly, it took me far too long to learn how to ‘fight smart’ with the school district and site staff. But we push on, don’t we? I’ll be filing for comp-ed next month.