We knew this day would happen, the day someone would call one of my kids the r-word.
The r-word is hate-speech towards people with disabilities. The disability community is vocal about the use of the word and why it is harmful and violent towards their community. This is not about being “politically correct.” This is about treating people with disabilities with dignity and respect, and abstaining from using a word that has hurt them, ridiculed them, and marginalized them.
(As a side note, the r-word is a despicable word no matter who says it or who it is said to).
Something I’ve done with my kids is walk through “likely” scenarios relating to their disability. My 11-year-old has cerebral palsy and she is especially aware of her disability and differences. She is also aware that people — including her classmates — sometimes treat her differently, using a baby voice, for example (which is ableism).
For this reason, we have practiced possible responses to different situations. I believe having a “script” can help my kids feel more confident when confronted with ignorant comments or questions. If anything, the fact we have talked about these possibilities and rehearsed ways to respond, will hopefully make them feel a little bit “prepared.”
Unfortunately, no amount of rehearsing takes away the hurt and pain words can inflict.
I have also told my kids if they stand up for themselves or one of their siblings or friends as a result of hate-speech, they will not be in trouble.
And right before school let out for the summer, one of my daughter’s classmates called her the r-word.
“You can’t do anything, you are r*t*rded.”
“Well, you are stupid.”
The kid ran to one of the paraprofessionals and accused my daughter of calling him “stupid.” When my daughter explained he had called her the r-word, her response was, “We don’t call anyone names, please apologize.”
My daughter insisted, “My mom said if someone calls me the r-word I can defend myself, even if all I say back is ‘stupid’ and she said I will not get in trouble.”
The paraprofessional did not listen to my daughter. She was not aware or receptive of my daughter’s words or sensitive to her emotions. All the teacher cared about was to make sure my daughter apologized to her classmate.
Hate-speech equaled to the word “stupid.” As if both words carried the same meaning.
As soon as I knew about this incident my heart broke for my daughter. I felt angry and sad and my heart broke. I assured her I would be talking to the principal about it. And I said she could “take back” her apology.
We have talked about her options: she can walk away, she can try to give a “rehearsed” answer, or if she feels brave but words fail her and she says something like “stupid.” This is an exception where it is OK to call someone a name. As we talked about what happened, she said she felt “Like I was nothing, and my brain was telling me I was the r-word.”
Saying “stupid” It was the only thing she could get out. And I commend her, because she felt brave enough to stand up for herself.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up and say something — anything — to regain some dignity after being attacked with hate-speech.
The principal agreed it was a situation that needed to be addressed with the boy and the paraprofessional. My daughter felt the para also needed to apologize to her for failing to listen to her explanation, and for failing to recognize what had taken place. My daughter felt “like nothing” and the paraprofessional explained to her why “stupid” is wrong. Did she explain to the boy why the r-word is hate-speech? I doubt she is aware of the seriousness of what took place.
This was the first time my daughter was verbally attacked because of her disability. It was an attack on who she is, part of her identity.
No, the r-word is not the same as “stupid.”
On the last day of school the paraprofessional “apologized,” and I wonder if it was because the principal asked her to, but she followed her apology with a, “why we should never call people ‘stupid,’ and she has a cousin with a disability so she knows what she is talking about.”
What kind of apology is that? Clearly, she did not understand. And I wonder what the conversation was like with the principal, who asked me she be the one to address the situation. That was my mistake.
My daughter came home on the last day of school discouraged because an adult — someone who is supposed to not allow these types of aggression to happen, someone who is supposed to be on her side and understand the seriousness of what took place — tried to make her feel ashamed for standing up for herself because of the word “stupid.”.
We know this will not be the last time someone calls her the r-word, unfortunately. We know saying “you are stupid” back can get you in trouble with educators who are ignorant about disability attitudes and fail to recognize hate-speech and the emotional damage it has on the person it is said against.
My daughter was made to feel “like I as nothing.”
I am not OK with that. My heart breaks because she is brave, and strong, and beautiful, and kind, and funny.
We will keep preparing to the best of our ability, and we will keep fighting the r-word.
And as her mother, I will do my best to build up what hateful words threaten to tear down.
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Hi Ellen,
I’m so sorry your daughter got called the R word and that the awful para blamed your daughter. This happened to me in grade school quite a lot. The para would ALWAYS blame me, like clockwork. Perhaps this particular para only heard your daughter say “stupid” and assumed that she told her the boy was at fault just as an excuse. I hated when paras said I made excuses. It made me feel devalued and it made me despise paras as a kid.
She knew what happened, she knew what the boy called her first.
I’m not okay with that either. I’m sorry this happened to your daughter. My child was made to apologize too for how she responded to R words and other forms of hate speech by classmates. More training is definitely necessary for school staff and students.
While I agree that that is horrible, two wrongs do not make a right. Calling someone stupid is also aggressive. She needs to learn to respond with dignity. Both children should have apologized, they are children, after all. He also may not have understood the magnitude of his words. They are usually a reflection of parenting.
I disagree. While I do not love “stupid” it is not even close to the “r-word.” As I mentioned in a previous comment, if someone were to call me a “dirty Mexican” no matter how eloquent a response I might have in my mind, that is hate-speech against my very person, who I am, and those hate words are so charged I doubt I could say much back, and “you are stupid” might be all I could get out IF I even felt the courage to respond from being verbally attacked that way.
I’ve always held that a real apology has no “but” in it. Either someone apologizes, or they don’t.
A paraprofessional who takes away an apology in the same sentence it is given needs education. If she fails or refuses to see how hurtful the r-word is, she should find another profession.
Agree.
My son has layered medical and developmental special needs. I tried for a years to educate those that worked with him and protect him. Until he was almost 10 and one day, I no longer had it in me. It is incredibly draining constantly bumping up against the attitudes you described with both the para and the principal. I pulled him out and have been home educating him since. I know that home education is a difficult choice and not everyone has the means to implement it, but the change in my child has been amazing. He’s absolutely blossomed. And so have I. I’m still tired, because his care is exhausting, but I’m not angry all the time. I can now truly influence acceptance and inclusion because it’s flowing directly from me, as opposed to trying to help guide the professionals hearts.
My heart goes out to your daughter. There will always be mean kids to face. But my heart goes out to you too. Because I KNOW how incredibly draining and difficult it is dealing with hearts of stone.
Thank you.
I am not okay with non-apology apologies. When an adult wrongs a child they forfeit the right to use it as a teaching moment. I pity the para who still doesn’t get this.
I agree, that was not really an apology.
I wonder if rather retaliating with another hate word, it would be appropriate to say loudly, Well you are hateful and mean. It’s calling a spade a spade and still standing up for ones self What do you think?
Elaine, I don’t love “stupid” either, but like I said, it takes more courage to say anything at all and stand up for yourself. It was the first thing she could think to say to keep her DIGNITY as a person with a disability. The “r-word” and “stupid” are not in the same level, so to call “stupid” a hate word sides with the paraprofessional as this was exactly her stance. Hate speech is very different from the word “stupid.” Hate speech is violence against a person. If someone were to call me a “dirty Mexican” no matter how eloquent a response I might have in my mind, those hate words are so charged I doubt I could say much back, and “you are stupid” might be all I could get out IF I even felt the courage to respond from being verbally attacked.
Ellen,
I stand with you,regarding your daughter’s right to stand up for herself. Was just throwing in an idea for the future.
When my daughter was in middle school, a boy slammed her into a locker, because she wouldn’t go steady with him. I first asked her how big this boy was. She said he was her height. Then I told her if this boy EVER layed a hand on her again, she was to go all Rambo on him, and knock the living crap out of him. I told her I’d back her up with the principle. Sure enough, a day or so later, they were in the bus line, the little woman abuser hit her. My daughter proceeded to give this little punk a lesson every abuser should learn at this age. She won the fight and they both got in school suspension.
But not before I had words with principle. I told him to check out that boys home life, because he learned to push a female around from somewhere. Secondly, I’d be willing to take the three day suspension with her, since I was the one to teach my daughter that she was to NEVER allow some boy to physically abuse her. I was the one to tell her she better never throw the first punch, but, If this boy evér hit or pushed her agäin,she was to teach him a lesson he’d never forget.
So kudos to you for teaching ýour little one to stand up to the mean kids.
Thanks Elaine. And I am with you, we have to teach our girls to stand up for themselves.
I’ve worked in the school system with students with disabilities (K to 12) for 23 years. I was an Education Assistant and I loved my job and the students I was honored to work with! I totally agree that Paraprofessionals need to be educated and guided on how to deal with “name calling”, such as the R word and other inappropriate words and comments. And, YES!!! When a student with Special Needs is called the R word or any form of comment and expression that devalues them, they ABSOLUTELY have the right to defend themselves- and the school staff should support them in this, as well as educate those who do this kind of name calling about classmates with special needs on how to treat them with the same respect as they treat their other classmates!
Your daughter sounds like a great kid. I love how she realized the para owed her an apology as well, although a mediated conversation with another adult present might have helped, really on both sides, because I can see how a para surrounded by kids for the school year might slip up or fall back on habitual ways of problem solving that are outdated.
But your daughter doesn’t have those lazy habits yet and sounds like she is a step ahead in fact. Impressive that she has already mastered one of the core understandings of mindfulness and meditation. I heard you say that she said her brain was telling her she was the r-word. Wow, very good. It’s not herself, just her (incorrect) thoughts. Encourage that going forward, never accept lies or distortions of fairness, not from an inner critic nor from adults. As a student teacher emphasized very clearly to my high school English class: “Always respect authority, but always question authority.”
She’s lucky to have you in her corner, bravo.
Ellen,
I have found this blog to be most relevant as both an elementary school teacher and parent of a special needs child. Someday, I fear a similar situation will occur in our lives especially since my daughter inches toward the pre-adolescent years. The “saving grace” thus far has been the Peer to Peer programs that both equip and deepen understanding. I pray this will become alive and well in your children’s schools in the near future. Your intervention took advantage of a teachable moment that will resonate for life. I don’t know if you are familiar with Dr. Marcia McEvoy. She addresses cooperation, getting along, and anti- bullying. She presented in my school district years ago and still memorable today. You seem to reflect her methods as her philosophy is to empower students rather than to create a entitled co-dependent one. Kudos to you for choosing the former ! “For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power, and love, and self control. ” 1 Timothy 1:7 This holds true for all of God’s children. Finally, I wish to thank you for hitting home on so many subjects in the area of special needs but doing so with the intention of bringing God the glory. I have seen you as a reference on the Desiring God website, on website connected with Janet Partial, and in the book by book I have just read: The Life We Unexpected by Andrew and Rachel Wilson. ( which I cannot seem to underline at this writing) May all that you write, please God, glorify God, and expand His Kingdom. Thank you.
Tonia, thank you so much!
Hi Ellen
This really breaks my heart, my daughter is two years old and is down syndrome. I fear to think what names she will be called, people can sometimes be so insensitive. I am a new mom and this really breaks my heart. All I can do is trust God. she is truly a gift from God and no matter what happens she has to see herself through God’s eyes. beautiful, powerful and wonderfully made.
I am sorry for what happened to your daughter
Nazley, I understand your feeling. If this had happened to my daughter I would hope her friends would come to her defense. This is why I talk to my girls’ classroom at the beginning of the school year about each of my girls’ disabilities.