It was one of those days, you know? The type of day you get the kids out the door dressed, fed, and looking good, but you barely manage to get out of your pajamas. All I had to do was drop of the kids at school, no bid deal. Except that once we got to school I remembered I had to get the flyers sent for the fundraiser. At that point I was hoping that not too many people would see me in the school office for the 30 minutes it would take me to get it done. But then there was a school assembly, and it was a wheelchair basket ball team, and how do you not stay for that? And before you think, how bad could it be, really? Let’s just say I did not look pretty, and I can prove it.
I took this picture as soon as I got home. I was tempted to edit it, add a filter to make me look a little better because let’s be honest, this is not the kind of picture I share in public. It’s not flattering but I was seen like this in public. Yes, I left the house dressed, but I did not look in the mirror all morning, I did not brush my teeth, I did not brush my hair, I did not wash my face. I also want you to know what I really looked like because it felt significant to what happened latter in the day.
One of my daughters has cerebral palsy. Although she can walk independently, she feels safer using her walker or her wheelchair. Depending on her energy level or distance, she might choose one over the other. Because of the school assembly, she wanted me to get her wheelchair.
While I waited for her, I sat on her chair.
Everyone at school knows who I am: teachers, staff, even the kids. And because I do know them I made plenty of jokes about being out in public looking the way I looked. Nobody said, “You look just fine!” or any similar comments because I didn’t. And it didn’t matter because we had a good laugh about it, “We all have days like those!” they said, and besides I had mints with me so it was all good.
But while I sat on my daughter’s chair waiting in the hallway, a woman, who is not a regular staff member, turned to me and said, “Well aren’t you a pretty lady!”
I want you to get the scenario. Imagine a grownup talking to a little girl. Let’s say the little girl is two or three years old. Do you hear the tone of voice? Do you see the special smile? “Well aren’t you a pretty lady!”
And in that instant, as soon as she said it, I knew she thought I was disabled. She was treating me the same way I have seen other people treat my disabled adult friends.
My heart tightened and her comment felt so condescending. She meant it as a compliment but it was offensive.
Not once in my life has a stranger approached me to tell me, “You are such a pretty lady!” out of the blue. Not once in my adult life have I been addressed with the tone of voice and manner used for children. Not one person yesterday would have called me a pretty lady! The only difference was I was sitting on a wheelchair and the woman thought it was mine.
She didn’t see me. She didn’t see a person. She saw a chair. She saw disability.
And I knew it.
Because I did not look pretty.
Because of her tone of voice.
Because she made me feel like an object, not a person.
Because her words felt like pity.
This is not new for me, I know this happens all the time. It happens to my daughters even (my daughter who has cerebral palsy and my daughter who has Down syndrome). I have seen people do this to my friends too. But those experiences were never personal, never about me. Yesterday I felt it. Yesterday was personal. Yesterday it was about me.
I know the woman meant well. I know she was trying to be nice. But what she meant as a compliment was offensive. Actually, it was hurtful. It hurt not to be looked at as a person. It hurt that she was focused on the chair. It hurt that she used a tone of voice that was patronizing. It hurt that her words were empty in meaning.
And it hurt most to know that this is something my daughters live with everyday, and as they grow up and become adults, it will continue to happen.
And I thought, “What if I had to live with these types of attitudes all my life?”
So personal. So hurtful.
Disability attitudes. They matter.
I might have stammered a, “Thank you,” because it is the automatic response to a “compliment.” But I knew why she had said it, and what I do remember saying was, “You know? This is not my wheelchair, this is my daughters wheelchair. I am not disabled, I am just sitting on it waiting for her.” Her smile changed, her expression changed, she swallowed, she looked embarrassed. She was, as she stumbled through her words I could tell.
But here is the thing, she should have been embarrassed not because she said it to someone who was not disabled, but simply because that is not how you treat someone with dignity and respect.
And that’s it, isn’t it? We all want to be treated with dignity and respect.
There is not much dignity in treating a person with a disability different from an able-bodied person.
There is no much room for respect when words feel patronizing.
I have experienced being treated differently because I am Mexican, but I had never experiences being treated different because someone presumed I was disabled.
Disability attitudes matter.
It’s about dignity and respect to all people.
How would you feel if you were treated differently because you were sitting on a wheelchair?
(And you guys, I clean up too. Please remember me like this and I understand if you must roll your eyes at the fact I felt inclined to include this picture )
What are disability attitudes that you wish we could change?
Editor’s note: I struggle writing posts like this because I do not want to focus on the negative, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, that is never my intention. I am an able-bodied woman, and I know I am guilty of saying and/or doing something that was hurtful to a person with a disability. An experience like this challenges me. What role do I play in changing disability attitudes? How do I help people understand? This is something that many persons with disabilities experience, I’ve heard them talk about it, but when it happened to me I was momentarily in their shoes. It was a negative experience, and it was powerful. I will never forget it.
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I could have written this, as I have a daughter that sounds very similar to yours. But you’re better looking without makeup (truth). I stay awake nights trying to find ways to address this issue in our everyday lives.
I think it is also the fact that when people see disabled people say not having brushed their hair etc like in this situation they think the person is somehow physically or mentally incapable of doing said thing. We are not held to the same standard of behavior. I have a friend who is a stroke survivor. He is a teacher and he actually loved it when the students hassled him like they had before the stroke because they treated him as a person, the same person he was before the stroke and the same person he always will be.
M I think you are absolutely right, I actually think my looks that morning actually contributed to her assumptions and behavior, which is why calling me a “pretty lady” was so condescending.
Your observations are spot-on and well-articulated! I hope many will read this and consider how they react to certain situations. And honestly, you look great in both photos–not because of how you can use your resources to enhance what God gave you (and you do a great job with that!), but because your eyes show joy!
I was in a similar wheelchair situation several years ago, when we were at a local parade. My son had used his wheelchair to get from parking to parade, but had then chosen to sit on the curb with his brother. I sat in the wheelchair because it was comfortable. Several parade entries included people handing out info about local businesses, and the people with flyers were moving quickly through the crowd to hand out their ads–until one teen-age looking girl froze in front of me, not sure whether to give me a flyer or not…it turned out to be a flyer from a gym, and the horrified look on the girl’s face told me that she honestly didn’t know if it would be worse to skip me or to give me a flyer that seemed to be inappropriate. I chuckled about the whole thing–not offended in any way. However, I do wonder how we can better help our children learn about thinking the best of others, and treating them with dignity.
Thanks for your great post!
I hope a lot of people read this post because it is so important for people to understand that people with special needs are humans too. My brother, Robb, has autism and down-syndrome, and whenever people talk to him like that (or if I find myself talking to him like that) I am disgusted. It really is the purest form of discrimination. That is the reason I am trying to stop using the word “disabled” because I think it just undermines the abilities of people with special needs. Why is it that we call it disabling to make something stop working, and people with special needs are called disabled? I plan to show this post to many people because maybe people will start listening if they hear it from someone who they consider normal’s experiences.
I’m so glad to know that my respectful distance and stupid attempts not to treat anyone in a wheelchair differently from any other stranger is not crude or cruel or callous. I loved your article.
Great story! When I was pregnant I was very very sick. When my hubs and I went food shopping I borrowed one of the supermarket scooters meant for people with disabilities because I suffered from such exhaustion. At the time I merely found it amusing at the looks of sympathy that I received but your story gives me an entire new perspective. Thank you for sharing.
It is Disgusting how other per sieve the less fortunate….. I too am Blessed with a 9yr old who has Cerebral Palsy , Deletion of Chromosome 2 , ASD and ADHD….. And a 13yr old whom has ADD, ADHD, ODD, Mixed Generalised Anxiety and ASD. It’s not easy but we make the most of it……. It angers me when i get out of my car when parked in a disabled park and ppl look down on us they see 5 ppl exit a car walking etc but fail to realise that my Daughter has Special Needs. Disability is not defined by how they look or the apparatus they need to lead a normal life but sadly this is how alot of ppl tend to see it ….
I often ask myself are they uncomfortable with how my daughter is then i stop and think hec with it they dont have to love my girl but i sure as hell will for the rest of my life……
You are a very pretty Lady and dont need make up to show that…… I rarely wear make up…. I simply dont have time to do beautify myself with a house hold of 3 daughters and Hubby.
Well done to you and may you and your family life a beautiful life.
I had a similar experience. I used to work in welfare and as a support worker. I was in a new position working with adults who had varied disabilities living independently. I went with another worker and our residents to a local park, a physiotherapist used to join for exercises in the park. It was a beautiful day. I had hurt my foot so was not joining in. The physiotherapist, did not know me and spoke to me in such a condensing manner, she thought I was a client and not joining because of shyness. It was horrible to be spoken to in such a manner. She also did not listen to me when I declined because of injury, she grabbed my hands to pull me from the seat. I was very upset at this. I had to remain firm and I used her name and told her she was there to work with our residents, and to please leave me be. Then she laughed and said ” oh I thought you were one of them!” And walked off. I was horrified! But I have never forgotten how I felt, totally disrespected and violated by an adult who aught o have had better training. I have a friend who has uses a wheel chair and she said people raise their voice when speaking to her and she replies she has no hearing imparement. We really need to be educating people better.
When 8 months pregnant with my second daughter I was forced to rely on a wheelchair at the mall because my pelvis had separated and I couldn’t walk. I urgently had to get last minute supplies for the birth. My eldest daughter was only 11 months old(!) and I had her on my lap as I manouevered the electric wheelchair around the store. As I pulled up to the registered and joined the queue, a woman nearby beamed at me encouragingly and said in a loud, patronising voice (just like the one you describe!) “You’re so brave!!” I knew instantly what she meant – but played dumb. “I know – shopping this close to lunchtime on a weekend is just insane, right?” She said “no, I meant…” I said “What – having a baby??? You know – trillions of people have done it before me” “no, it’s not that” she replied a little uncertainly (as if she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting it). I finally gave up the game. “You know there’s nothing wrong with me – just got some issues with my pelvis because these two babies are so close together – I will be up and walking in no time” She looked awkward and somewhat embarrassed and trailed away, and I felt so deeply aware of what it must be like for mothers with a disability to be patronised all the time. Dignity is everything…
Oh my goodness, this happens to me nearly every time I am out in my chair. I have CP as well and can walk but use my chair whenever necessary. The difference in attitudes and how people address me in my chair is amazing, really. It’s worse when I am out with any of my friends who also have disabilities. Thank you for this post!
Thank you for your comment. And I cannot imagine what that would be like all the time I am out, my daughter, who is 10, often gets treated like a baby, she hates it!