Photo courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/freedigitalphotos.net
It began as a simple question.
“Mom, why do girls have boobs?”
“Well sweetheart, when a woman has a baby, her boobs fill up with milk and she can feed her baby.”
“She feeds the baby from her boob?”
“Yeah” I smiled at the surprise in her eyes. She has never seen a woman nursing a baby, or realized what was taking place.
“Do all girls have milk in their boobs?
“Well, no, not all girls. Only the women that have babies in their tummy. It is something very special God created. The baby in your tummy let’s your body know it will need food, and the boobs start making milk.”
She paused for a while, “Mom? I don’t think my tummy mommy fed me milk.”
I looked at her, a hint of sadness in her words and expression.
“I don’t think so either sweetheart.”
“I don’t like my tummy mommy. I only love you.”
It was the first time my daughter had expressed any feelings towards her biological mother. I knew this day would come, and my heart broke into a million pieces recognizing the pain she will carry knowing that her mother did not keep her.
In that instant, I wanted to affirm her of my love for her.
“I love you so much sweetheart, so much.”
“My tummy mommy didn’t love me.”
“Oh sweetheart,” I tried to assure her, “We don’t know that, we don’t know why she was not able to take care of you.”
After a short pause, she said with a sure affirmation in her voice,
“I think she’s dead. I think my tummy mommy is dead and that is why she couldn’t take care of me.”
And I realized how strong the biological bond is. Because all her life, Nina will come back to these questions, Why didn’t she keep me? Did she ever love me?
My daughter knows what it feels like to be abandoned. A deep, painful reality that her mother – the one person who should have fought for her – walked away. She will wrestle with this, she will cry over it (and I with her) and she might make excuses for her, trying to find in her heart the place where her mother wanted her after all.
I will assure her that she is wanted. She knows I am her mother. Yet I know that deep down, the loss of her biological mother will cause heartache like I have never experienced.
She was rejected. She was abandoned. She was an orphan.
Adoption is a tangible redeeming love that says, you are loved, you are chosen, you are wanted.
Yet I cannot ignore that this beautiful redeeming love began after the rejection and abandonment she has experienced in life. She will carry those past wounds, trying to make sense of her future.
And so today I pray. I pray that my love will be strong and that my daughter will feel it. I pray that she will know that she is wanted and cherished. I pray that in some way I will be enough, because today I face the reality of her past, and of a little heart that begins to wonder, why?
And it is in these moments that adoption breaks my heart and the tears flow for my daughter. Because that is what mothers do, they wish they could heal a broken heart. They wish they could wipe away the tears and make everything right, and true, and whole. But I can’t. So I pray.
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So many mothers are practically coerced to “make the right decision” but then looked at as abandoners. The child is stuck in the middle in the system (industry) of adoption. Sadly, you will never be enough for her.
Peach, I think you are right, sometimes biological mothers are portrayed as ones who abandon their children, and that is most unfortunate. When we adopted our daughter, she was present several times when the official documents were read and it stated that her mother refused to hold her at birth and abandoned her in the hospital after signing her parental rights. So for her, in particular (and in this post I address her perspective) this will be a reality that she will have to face, as almost every adoption document we have states this fact. I, however, feel for her mother, because even walking away couldn’t have been easy. I actually wrote a letter to Nina’s mother, would love for you to read it. https://www.ellenstumbo.com/to-my-daughters-biological-mother/
What a beautiful post Ellen, so real. I hope that with your love her wounds will heal, but as you mentioned she will always wonder why. You are a strong woman and you both are lucky to have found each other. God bless!
This is so bittersweet. Thank you for sharing this story.
I read a lot of adoption blogs, and Nina is one of the kids I think about almost daily, even when there are no updates. The video of her asking “did you like the orphanage?” resonates in my heart. What a sweet and sad realization about her tummy mommy. I’m so glad she has a mom who understands the process of brokenness to go through this with, even though it won’t be easy. And such strong sisters and father, too! Thank you for sharing your stories and experiences.