I cannot count how many times I’ve heard people say, “I could never do it,” when referring to raising children with disabilities. It’s funny, because they often say this when referencing my life, as if my children were difficult, too much work – and although I know full well they don’t mean it – it suggests my children are less lovable. But here is the thing: Yes, you could do it!
So let’s dismantle the myth of “I could never do it.”
As a parent, do you love your children? Then yes, you could do it.
If there was an accident, and your child ended up in a wheelchair, would you care for her and love her? Then yes, you could do it.
If your two year old child was diagnosed with autism, would you still love him and try to do whatever you can to help him develop, and grow, and move through life? Then yes, you could do it.
If your child unexpectedly became sick and there were long term effects to her illness, would you still care for her and meet her needs? Then yes, you could do it.
Do you, as a parent, provide for the needs of your kids, whatever those needs are in different stages of life? Then yes, you could do it.
Because here is a reality, disability is a normal part of life. No, it is not a part of life that we ask for, that we hope for, or that we willingly walk into. But disability happens, and it makes itself at home in my family, or my neighbor’s, or perhaps even yours. Disability does not discriminate and if it terrifies you to think this could ever be you, I think you can imagine how we felt when it showed up at our door.
And then we discovered that yes, we could do it. How? It’s simple. It’s because of love. We love our children. We love deeply, abundantly, unendingly, fiercely. And you love your kids that way too.
Yes, you could do it. And I will be honest, I once thought I could never do it too. As a matter of fact, if there was a scale that could measure someone’s ability to “handle it,” I’m pretty sure I would have fallen in the category of, “Unqualified to raise a child with a disability.” Disability used to scare me. Having a child with Down syndrome was certainly not in my plans, and I struggled with the diagnosis.
And then something happened, through my child, and this new life I was thrown into, I began to see disability quite differently. The stereotypes, the blinders, the ignorance slowly lifted, like fog on a cold damp morning, revealing a bright day, a warm sun, and the promise of a full life.
Disability was not the monster I thought it was. Disability is a part of life and believe it or not, there are good things that come with disability. Things like understanding unconditional love, rearranging priorities, knowing what really matters in life, and the best group of friends you will ever meet.
In some way, when you look at me, you’re looking at who you could be if your child had a disability. I don’t have more love, patience, or perseverance than you do. I don’t have a “special touch” nor am I “favored.” I’m the you that you could be if parenting children with disabilities was your life. (And I apologize if the thought of being me terrifies you, you know, at a personal level).
Yes, you could do it. I know, because I see your courage and determination as you raise your children. I know, because I see strength in you as you parent your kids – and raising kids is the hardest thing any of us ever have to do. I know, because I see the love you have for your kids, it is indeed, strong, abundant, and fierce.
Yes, you could do it.
Special Needs Parents, Are You Surviving?
I created a guide with 13 practical ways to help you find peace in the midst of chaos, opt in to make sure you get a copy of this freebie!
So true! I’ve heard it for many things. You have eight children? I could never do that. You homeschool? I could never do that. You have a disabled child (Spina Bifida)? I could never do that. Wound care? Multiple surgeries? Ongoing, daily medical care?
None of what happens in my life is a surprise to God. Guess what? I can’t do any of those things either! It is only with God’s help that we get through each day.
We have an all knowing God who is the author of all wisdom. I disagree with your statement that anyone could “do it”…meaning raise a special needs child. I have a special needs child myself who not only has a special need but also went through two separate bouts with cancer. The child is now in their 20’s. I know all kinds of people who could never “do it” as you phrase things. It is only because God knew that I could raise this child that I have the special needs child that I have. Other people do not have special needs children because we have an all knowing God who can see into their hearts and understands that they are not a good candidate for a special needs child otherwise He would allow them to have one. Of course it is with God’s help that all of us get through a day. But when some people claim that they could never do what we do….they are absolutely right!
D, thanks for your thoughts. We have different perspectives.
Sadly if that rather poetic
perspective were really true, I wouldn’t be seeing so many bruised and abused children at work (I’m a substitute teacher and work in every type of classroom in dozens of different schools throughout the year), whether they have disabilities or not. As a special-needs parent myself (my son is now 17, was diagnosed with classical autism AND mental retardation at 3, currently has a 3.9 GPA in 11th grade *general education* classes, and wants to become a computer animator) I never would have believed I could have done it — until I did. It is a CHOICE — not a “talent” — to step up and do what needs to be done.
Hi Ellen, I love this post. It is so true that we always think we couldn’t do “it”– what ever some other person has to deal with in their life. God gives us grace for the day, for our now–not for what could be, not for what someone else has to deal with but for us. I think of this every time I hear similar words. We have 4 kids and 2 with autism, one of those with tourettes, anxiety, adhd, food allergies and we have one child with selective mutism. It IS a lot. And if I had looked into my future I’d say I can’t do it as well. But here we are, 11 years into it! And it is SO true. I was (and am) the broken one. I would not be who I am now, if it weren’t for these hard things…and I wouldn’t change it for the world…
Yes, He does give us the grace for the day. He is the One that carries me through some hard days (parenting is hard). And we also have food allergies (all my girls actually) it is an added “job” for sure!
I READ THIS WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS DIAGNOSED AS PROFOUNDLY DEAF AND I WAS DTRUGGLING. IT CHANGED MY WHOLE PERSPECTIVE. I’M NOW RAISING HER DEAF SON
HEAVEN’S VERY SPECIAL CHILD
A meeting was held quite far from Earth!
It’s time again for another birth.
Said the Angels to the LORD above,
This Special Child will need much love.
His progress may be very slow,
Accomplishments he may not show.
And he’ll require extra care
From the folks he meets down there.
He may not run or laugh or play,
His thoughts may seem quite far away,
In many ways he won’t adapt,
And he’ll be known as handicapped.
So let’s be careful where he’s sent,
We want his life to be content.
Please LORD, find the parents who
Will do a special job for you.
They will not realize right away
The leading role they’re asked to play,
But with this child sent from above
Comes stronger faith and richer love.
And soon they’ll know the privilege given
In caring for their gift from Heaven.
Their precious charge, so meek and mild,
Is HEAVEN’S VERY SPECIAL CHILD.
by Edna Massionilla
December 1981
The Optomist- newsletter for PROUD
Parents Regional Outreach for Understanding Down’s Inc.
Loved this post! I always say to my friends who say “how do you do it” or “I could never do it” that…YOU CAN AND YOU WOULD!! Because you love your child there would be no other option. And if you don’t… then you would suck as a parent. 😉
Thanks so much for the great read! This is without a doubt one of my least favorite things (second only to, God only giving special kids to special people …ugh!) people say regarding my son who has DS and autism. I always joke that what they are really saying is “thank goodness I don’t have to do what you do!”.
After, reading this I am now looking forward to the next comment. I’m going to turn it around and give them a little booster of encouragement … you could and you would if it happened to you!
I loved this! I feel the same when people say that God only gives special kids to special parents. I think every parent who loves her child would do the same as I do each day.
You, though, are a more gracious person than I am. I really think when people say “I couldn’t do that!” They are saying “Thank God I don’t have to do that!” or “I sure wouldn’t want to so that!” I feel like it is an emotional distancing tool that people comfort themselves with that in the back of their brains they think that if they announce that they couldn’t handle it, they verify that such a thing would never happen to them.
The truth is that there are lots of things in life that are difficult, but when we are in situations that stretch us, it is surprising what we CAN handle while leaning on our God!